NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ.

“We are currently engaged in a thorough analysis of financial statements, relinquished in response to the subpoena, encompassing the entire Trump Organization’s business empire, namely the Dairy Queen just down Marshall Hill Road from the paintball supply shop,” said agent Maria Russo, explaining that the last 30 years of President Trump’s business career appear to have been spent running the franchise, and that all his investments, accrued debt, and total net worth are tied up in the ownership of the suburban ice cream stand.

“As we understand it so far, the day-to-day work of all 20,000 Trump employees worldwide, including the thousands working at the company’s rented headquarters in Trump Tower, is singularly devoted to the management and promotion of this Dairy Queen franchise.

We are also in possession of tax records indicating Trump did briefly own a minor share of a Pizza Hut on Long Island, but it apparently went bankrupt in 1997.”

Russo also said that the investigation had not yet turned up definitive links to Russian money, but noted the job description for the Dairy Queen night manager included “at least three ‘ruble runs’ a week” to the currency exchange at the Newark Airport.

Source: The Onion

A wildlife photographer’s life has been shattered, his livelihood and bank account in ruins because a monkey took a selfie with his camera.

As the story goes, it seems that a group of monkeys clicking away with the photographer’s digital camera produce portraits of startling beauty.

Andrew told the VQ that he was visiting the park when he decided to try to get close to the animals. With the help of a guide, he got to know the creatures, befriending them, walking with them for days. “They were just interested in the things I was carrying,” he said.

The monkeys took two ‘selfies’ with Andrew’s camera after spending time to teach them how to use it.

The images went viral, cutting out the photographer’s ability to charge for his work on blogs, posts, and memes, basically ruining Andrew’s life as he knew it.

Broke, Andrew says he has no ill will against the animals and will be giving up photography, trying his hand at being a dog-walker to rebuild his life.

VATICAN ENQUIRER (Spoof News) In the face of U.S. President Trump’s threatened ban, stocks are soaring for Mexican brewers, as well as distributors and sellers of Mexican beer in the United States.

Reached by phone, Molly Snipes, CEO of Molotov distributors in Denver, talked to this reporter about the spike in business.

“This isn’t new at all, but a trend that’s accelerated since candidate Donald Trump, who promised to ban Mexican beers and even Cinco de Mayo, has become President Trump. Now that he’s taken office there’s a huge rush to stock up on Mexican beers before the ban, and people are even stocking up now for Cinco de Mayo.”

“More likely than an outright ban,” Snipes lamented, “President Trump could enact steep tariffs on import brews and that could be disastrous for business.”

Republicans in Congress are wary of starting any trade wars that could hurt the US or Global economy.

Senator Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell downplayed any action on tariffs when he spoke to reporters on Capital Hill

“As President Trump himself has said, we have more important business to do for the country, I don’t see any good return in the targeting of Mexican Beers or a Mexican holiday.”

Regardless of the political and cultural skirmishes, Snipes and other distributors of import beers seem confident that they will still be selling Mexican beers on Cinco de Mayo, 2017, and for the foreseeable future.

Snipes dispenses with a word of advice for beer hoarders.

“As far as stockpiling beer, I don’t think it will ever be necessary, but if you must, I would keep it all refrigerated and I would use it up within six months or less. People talk about beer keeping for a year, but any beer is best consumed within a few weeks of production.”

Article originally appeared on Thespoof.com

(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Low profits is the reason for McDonald’s announcement of the removal of all Canadian franchises. After a year of struggling to maintain profits in 2015, the McDonald’s franchise has seen an even worse decline in 2016: starting in the US after multiple tax policies have increased the cost of doing business for the fast food giant.

After already closing down almost a thousand locations from due to impeccable profit loss, Stephen Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s has announced the removal of all it’s Canadian franchises by February of 2017.

As Forbes reported early 2015:

The restaurant company closed 350 stores in early 2015, on top of the 350 it had already said it would shutter, as the burger purveyor seeks to stanch sales declines. Earlier on Wednesday, McDonald’s had reported an 11% decrease in revenue and a 30% drop in profit for the first three months of the year, a continuation of its troubles in the last two years as it has struggled to compete with new U.S. competitors, a tough economy in Europe and a food safety scare in Asia. The legendary food chain even tested bizarre menu items in some countries in an attempt to boost profits.

The picture blow shows McDonald’s Chocolate Fries that were introduced in Japan earlier this year.

To all Canadians out there: you better enjoy the last few months of McDonald’s restaurants on Canadian soil. I guess what they say is true about how the good things never last forever. What do you think of this? Leave your comment below.

With reportering from  theglobalsun.com

LOS ANGELES, California – Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.

Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”

Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.

A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”

Source Empire News

“Finders keepers, suckers!” said Nestlé CEO Paul Bulcke before adding a “nanananabooboo!”

This is not the first time an American company has secured exclusive rights to mine a stellar body for resources.

In the 60s, Kraft secured the rights to harvest cheese from the Moon, but humanity soon discovered the Moon’s composition was not as we had long assumed, and thus Velveeta was born.

Source: Stubhill News

VATICAN ENQUIRER – Costa Rica’s minister of Labour, Víctor Morales, considers that one of the reasons why Burger King shut down operations in the country, is that Costa Ricans are looking to eat healthier.

“The market has been changing, people are opting for healthier options and companies have to adapt to his new reality. Data from the food sector shows this trend clearly,” said the minister.

Although the hamburger company blamed the closure of all its restaurants in Costa Rica to problems with the U.S. headquarters, the minister says that, although that might be true, the tendency to healthier eating may be the real reason.

Related: Burger King CLOSES Operations in Costa Rica!

Data from the National Nutrition Survey reveals that Costa Ricans between the age of 5 and 12 are 12% overweight, almost 10$ are obese; adolescents are 15% overweight and 6% are obese; but it is in adults where the overweight problem is serious, figures showing that 64.5% of all adults in Costa Rica are overweight, a large number bordering on obesity.

In recent statements Trump said he is interested in increasing his real estate portfolio and what better to buy up an entire island like Costa Rica. “It would be nice to own a tropical country,” said the magnate.

Asked why Costa Rica and not the more developed Panama, Trump simply said, “Costa Rica is better buy, cheaper and I probably can get it a good discount.”

“The island (Costa Rica) would be my property and anyone who wants to live there would have to pay me,” said Trump in explaining his investment strategy.

One of the first things Trump would do, he said, is rename the capital city to “Trump City” and turn into one big hotel and casino. He said would also change the country’s flag, making similar to the U.S., which would probably go unnoticed since the Costa Rican flag is already red, white and blue. “All that is missing is a star here and there,” said Trump.

Asked about how he would go about buying such a peace of real estate, Trumps said he’s already sent out feelers and has received back a number of emails showing there is a great interest to sell, but would not disclose his sources or discuss a price.

“No comments, I can only say that I have in past bought more expensive properties,” explained Trump.

As to who could and could not visit the island, that is if he were to actually end up buying it, Trump said that to enter the country everyone would need a visa and one person who will “never” get a visa is Barack Obama.

According to Trump, Mexicans – all Mexicans – would be welcome.

A source close to the Vatican Enquirer, Trump is said to have the financing in place, “the money is already in the bank and he is ready to write the check”, said the source, adding that Trump has an eye to closing the deal before the start of the dry or heavy tourism season (December) to cash in on the all the Americans getting away for the holidays.

Opponents to Trump buying up Costa Rica fear that the real estate tycoon would buy the country and then divided into small parts and sell them off or turn around and flip, possibly to someone bent on being a dictator or the narcos (drug traffickers). Or even the Chinese.

VATICAN ENQUIRER – Mexico City, One of the largest companies in Mexico had to resort to a name change for pastry formerly called “Negrito”to  now “Nito”, because according to several sources, this was deemed racist against people of a dark complexion. Now they face a new challenge as Caucasians representatives say the “Pam Blanco”(white bread) should be renamed as well.

“They talk a lot about equality between people, but now everything has turned, it is very easy to support African-Americans now that Obama became fashionable and Hip Hop, but nobody defends white, in fact the other day I saw that in America there is a day of discounts for blacks (Black Friday),” said a member of the International Association of Caucasians (IAC).

“Worse, I also noticed that in appliance stores and many departments stores was well, they have “white line”as if we could not be in the same line as the others. That’s just too much.”

Thanks to strong pressure from this organization and some others joining the effort for equality between races, Bimbo rename will rename its Pan Blanco.

The company has not yet come up with a new name. If you have a good idea for a  new name to replace Pan Blanco Bimbo name, you can use the comments section below or contact Bimbo directly.

(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Adapted from Eldeforma.com – The candidate for president of the United States and entrepreneur DonalD Trump announced during his most recent campaign speech that “from now on he breaks his relations with Donald Trump for statements he made against Mexican migrants”.

In an attempt to win the vote of the Hispanic community in California, Donald Trump described as xenophobic the comments made by Donald Trump and said that if elected president, he will give high priority to migrants so that they can live the American dream.

“I love Mexicans, in fact I’m go often to Taco Bell to support them and we will not allow that types like Donald Trump build a border fence. Vote for me and all named Juan will get a U.S. visa,” said Donald Trump in an unspecified Latino barrio (neighbourhood).

Donald Trump added that he supports the decisions of Univision, NBC and Carlos Slim to break commercial ties with Donald Trump and will be joining the boycott against the Miss Universe pageant owned and operated by Donald Trump.

“The last thing we needed is a white man with toupee to come and tell us how we should act towards Mexicans, possibly because they do not know, but my father was Mexican,” Donald Trump continued in his sharp criticism of Donald Trump.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump said he has signed contracts and will sue Donald Trump, Univision, NBC and Carlos Slim for beach of contract.