Women who remain die-hard feminists well into adulthood are oftentimes the least desirable specimens, science now claims.

“The only relationships they have are often ones with other females who subscribe to the same strict ideologies, and serve as echo chambers for extremist thought. The stereotype of overweight, unattractive, bitter, resentful hags with a chip on their shoulder isn’t really too far from the truth,” said Sheila Baker, director of the Garrison Institute located in Langford, Mississippi.

“Women who quickly abandon feminism are just happier in the long run,” Harman told National Report. “Once they engage in a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex, 78% of women realize that they had been brainwashed via college campuses and social media. They’re ashamed of having associated with a mob of mentally-ill whiners and seek to distance themselves  from that lifestyle as much as possible.”

After graduating high school, Sheila Baker was accepted into at a well-known liberal college located in the Pacific Northwest, attended primarily by the offspring of affluent families. Even then, feminism was the social justice ’cause du jour’ amongst bleeding-heart upper class young adults with no worldly perspective or experience. “It’s true. I identified as a feminist in college,” Baker blushingly confessed. “It’s really rather embarrassing to admit now. I marched in the marches. I blogged with the best of them. I was full of entitlement and resentment towards what I thought at the time was the source of all the world’s ills: The Patriarchy. In particular, white males. The only real exposure I had to the less fortunate was through my textbooks. Instructors basically fanned the flames by telling us that all sources of oppression and strife within’ the world were due to privileged Caucasians.

You get a bunch of impressionable white kids together who are in a rebellious frame of mind and tell them that the families they grew up with are basically responsible for everything that is wrong with the world and I can guarantee the outcome is not going to be a healthy one.”

And the horror stories don’t stop there says Sheila, who claims she has heard thousands of stories which ring similarly to her own. And far too many of those tales result in permanent damage to the woman, her personal life, and familial relationships.

Barker went on to elaborate upon one particular instance in which a woman became so wrapped up in feminism that she was disowned by her family, eventually leading to her untimely demise at the hands of an intentional overdose.

“We’ll call this woman K.C. out of respect,” Sheila began. “We were close friends in college, and even by my own admittedly very liberal standards, she was quite extreme. Always talking about how men should be castrated and put in labor camps. She updated her social media with misandrist hate speech, and even went onto violently attack her younger brother when he accidentally misgendered one of her friends.

During this time K.C. intentionally gained 200 pounds in what she called her fight against beauty stereotypes. What was once a beautiful, attractive young girl had permanently mutilated herself with facial tattoos, piercings, and morbid obesity.”

Sheila Baker will be releasing her findings in an upcoming interview with OUT Magazine, as well as a 30 state tour to sign the accompanying book which goes into even more detail as to why young women fall into the treacherous trap of liberalism, and how to reclaim their lives from commie parasites, and other damaging ideologies which prey on a misguided desire to make the world a better place, all while paving the hell.

OTTAWA — Jean Chretien actually giggled when he showed his personal baggie of pot to reporters today as he called for the immediate end of arrests for possession of marijuana.

“Hahaha. Yes, yes. For 50 years, I had céréales Cheerios every morning but you know dat gets boring,” said a grinning Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada from 1993 to 2003.

“But de Prime Minister Trudeau has used dis marijuana and told me dat I have to, you know, move with de times so now I just mush dis marijuana up with a banane…banana…and den watch some TV.”

“It doesn’t matter what I watch…any show makes me laugh after breakfast now.”

“You know, I got dis…dis pot — as young people call it — at a marijuana store,” said Chretien as he fished in his suit pants pocket and brought out a small baggie of what looked to reporters like marijuana.

“I had no doctor’s prescription or nutting like dat. I just told dis young guy behind the counter dat I tink I have some digestive gas some times you know and dat some nights dat maybe keeps me awake.”

“I left dat store with marijuana and taut I might get arrested…you know, I was a bit hoping I would get arrested. Da headlines would have made people tink about dis — Creaky 83-Year-Old Jean Chretien Has Gas and Faces de Jail Time for Illegal Pot,” laughed Chretien.

Chretien made the admission that he eats a fair bit of pot following recent requests from police chiefs across the country urging the Liberal government to give them direction on whether to continue arresting people for “having a joint in their jeans.”

A CBC report aired earlier this week showed wide differences in how police forces are dealing with the coming legalization of marijuana. According to the report, Canadians caught with marijuana are up to 10 times more likely to be arrested in Calgary or Regina than they are in Toronto or Vancouver.

Calgary Police Chief Roger Chaffin has repeatedly stated that he strongly opposes “the stupid legalization of Mary Jane” and has instructed his officers to “haul in anyone who even smells of pot”.

“Dis is stupid det anybody is getting arrested when marijuana will be as legal as biere in a year.”

“As long as I don’t drive after my morning banane…banana…what is de harm? I get a bit you know silly and den maybe eat some salty snacks and dat is dat.”

“Nobody should be arrested just because dey buy pot for dis digestive gas. Hahaha.”

Original article by Sue Dunum, reportering for The Lapine

BOSTON, Massachusetts – Diet Pepsi’s divorce from artificial sweetener aspartame didn’t last long. Customers who swear they can taste the difference between the old and new diet Pepsi demanded they bring back aspartame, and fearing they will lost sales to Coke, PepsiCo has complied.

PepsiCo said Monday that it would reintroduce a version of Diet Pepsi made with aspartame, which it had abandoned last year following public pressure over questions about the sweetener’s health effects.

Long time diet Pepsi drinking Irwin Erwin wrote multiple letters demanding the return of his favorite drink. “These health nuts are taking away everything good in America. So what if aspartame causes cancer? Everything causes cancer these days. If I want to drink my diet Pepsi, while smoking a cigarette and eating a pack of nitrate laden hot dogs, that’s my right as an American.”

The new offering, sweetened with aspartame and Ace-K, will be called Diet Pepsi Classic Sweetener Blend and will be offered in 12-packs, 2-liter bottles and 20-ounce bottles. Diet Pepsi sweetened with sucralose and Ace-K — the version that replaced the aspartame kind in summer 2015 — will remain as Pepsi’s primary calorie-free cola, including in fountain drinks.

Source Empire News

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that entries would be accepted from the public until the April 4 due date, officials from the Sacramento Zoo launched a contest this week to name the baby of the zoo’s pregnant gift shop cashier, Ashley Munson.

“Everyone here at the Sacramento Zoo is excited for Ashley’s first child to arrive, and we wanted to share that excitement with the community by allowing zoo patrons to help us name her baby,” said zoo spokesperson William Fuentes, adding that after the offspring is born to the $10.50-per-hour employee, a winning name will be selected and announced on the zoo’s website, and its author will be awarded two free tickets to the zoo plus an opportunity to have their picture taken alongside the newborn.

“We want you to have fun, be creative, and be sure to check out our Twitter and Facebook pages daily to vote on your favorite names. And of course, come by the Sacramento Zoo gift shop to visit the expectant mom, or take a stroll over to the nearby churro stand to see the father, Mike.”

According to initial online voting, the current frontrunning names are “Bobo” and “Steph Curry.”

Theonion.com

Independent researcher CSOA, conducted a study of homosexuality and posted their surprising results over the weekend. According to their research, homosexuality is the single most contagious condition that exists on Earth.

The surprising findings by the CSOA showed that 100% of the homosexual adults who participated in the study, had some level of intimate contact with a member of the same sex. Joseph Tritha, who was the lead scientist in charge of the study, revealed that of the 100,000 gay adults who participated in the study, all had intercourse or extended levels of intimate kissing with members of the same sex. Based on those findings it is believed that homosexuality is passed through bodily fluids, including saliva, from infected parties.

Tritha stated, “of all the infectious conditions I have studied, this one is by far the most contagious. The Gay (the term used to identify the condition) is the most prevalent condition plaguing our society.”

“There is a 100% percent infection rate associated with this condition. Engaging in homosexual activity all but assures that you will catch The Gay,” he revealed.

The organization also conducted research on 100,000 heterosexual adults, and 100% of the subjects tested negative for The Gay.

The CSOA (Common Sense Organization of America) says to avoid catching “The Gay,” it is highly recommended that one refrain from having intimate relations with members of the same sex.

The condition has spread to every corner of the globe and there is no known cure, but theists believe the solution is to pray away The Gay. That particular method has shown no sign of promise, but theists remain hopeful that one day a cure will be found.

There is a one question survey to determine if you have contracted this condition.

Have you engaged in homosexual activity? If yes, you have The Gay.

Via Thenewsnerd.com

VATICAN ENQUIRER – The Obama administration is cracking down on the food industry, forcing it to eliminate fat in foods over the next few months.

According to the public health notice issued by the U.S. Department of Health  and Human Services  (HHS), whose job is to protect the health of all Americans and provides essential human services, any business found to contain fat in its food, starting January 2, will be shut down and its owners, managers and even employees (if found contributing to the fat problem) will be prosecuted, fined and even jailed in extreme cases

Scientists say there is no health benefit from consuming fat, which is used in process foods and restaurants, often to improve the look and texture of a product, shelf life on display and even taste.

“Fat tastes good but it’s not good for you,” said the President.

According to the bulletin, the HHS will work with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that will have powers similar to Homeland Security, with powers to seize businesses and detain people alleged to be using fat in foods. Authorities will be able to detian people for unspecified periods of time, question them without the right to counsel, until they promise to never, ever use fat again.

The reaction from the food industry is that it needs more time to consume all the fat that it has been stockpiling and to look for an alternative.

Opponents to the ban say it will create a national emergency, thousands of people will surely suffer from fat withdrawl, their systems not be able to handle a healthy diet.

The Administration says it will set up a health program to fund clinics.

DUBLIN, OH —Responding to consumer demands for healthier offerings, Wendy’s announced this week the addition of its new Fit ‘N’ Fast menu, which features food that customers bring in from home to eat at the restaurant.

“People still love Wendy’s classic old-fashioned hamburgers and Frosty desserts, but they also want to have fresh, low-calorie options, so we’ve decided to incorporate a variety of wholesome items that our diners prepare themselves,” said Wendy’s deputy marketing director Ralph Jones, telling reporters the fast food chain was proud to be including a wide assortment of heart-healthy, vegetarian, and nutritious homestyle choices for the very first time.

“At each of our more than 6,500 locations, we’ll be making room for everything from lentil soup to mixed greens to baked salmon, all hand-selected by customers from their own refrigerators and brought directly to a table at Wendy’s.”

Jones went on to state that with any Fit ‘N’ Fast meal customers could add fries and a 24-ounce soda, if they’re being honest with themselves.

Via TheOnion.com

VATICAN ENQUIRER – WASHINGTON, The U.S. Surgeon General and Health Canada today issued a joint announcement that men taking medications for erectile dysfunction no longer need to rush to the nearest hospital Emergency until they’ve had an erection for at least 10 hours.

“The previous 3 to 4 hour time limit was medically unnecessary and was making a lot of guys feel like they weren’t getting their money’s worth,” said Surgeon General Vice Admiral Vivek Murthy.

“Impotent men can now proudly enjoy an impressive 600 minutes of engorgement without concern, but should shortly thereafter call an ambulance.”

Warning labels on so-called “boner-maker” drugs such as Cialis, Viagra, and Levitra currently warn men to go to a hospital quickly if an erection lasts more than a regulation length football or hockey game, turns a deep plum color, or starts to throb to the bass guitar in any music.

“Erectile dysfunction can happen to anyone,” said Canada’s Minister of Health Rona Ambrose, likely meaning any man.

“Married men and women will now appreciate the additional time to share their love, but the warnings about splotchy rashes, itchy urination, dry-mouth, double vision, or blinding chest pains lasting more than 3 or 4 hours will remain.”

Drugs to treat the inability to get a hardened penis (see also: woody, boner, chubby, hard-on, stiffy) following sexual arousal or just regular dirty thoughts are usually a class of PDE5 inhibitors that increase blood flow to the penis causing a “hydraulic effect”.

(Via Thelapine.ca)

It is estimated that 11 out of 10 men will experience erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives.

VATICAN ENQUIRER – Spinach contaminated with E. coli has spawned a questionable health cleansing trend in Los Angeles.

A spinach supplier to many L.A. juiceries has just announced a recall of any juices containing the leafing green, after dozens were hospitalized with serious E. coli infections. However, the rapid weight loss experienced by those affected has caused an increase in demand for green juice in which spinach is an ingredient.

The beginning of 2015 saw an impressive hike in cold-pressed juice sales around the nation, as many health-minded individuals kick started their new year’s resolutions with a “juice cleanse.”

“We were worried. We expected sales to take a big hit with the E. coli breakout,” said Cheap Jewce owner Rachel Silverstein, whose company is known for their moderately priced Kosher juices. “The New Year is to juicing in Los Angeles, what Valentines Day is to chocolate in the fly-over states. This is like a bad batch of Botox during award season.”

Symptoms of the bacterial infection, which include bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramping and severe nausea and vomiting won’t exactly give juicers the healthy glow they were hoping for. Left untreated, the bacterial infection can cause kidney failure and even death.

In an unexpected turn of events, however, many juiceries didn’t see a dip in profits; in fact, spinach based flavors saw an increase in sales. Celebrity health guru, Dr. Wizard of Oz explained, “Many of my clients heard those affected by the E. coli tainted juice experienced increased weight loss. With so many of them are getting ready for red carpets, a few days in the hospital is a quick and worthwhile fix to whatever binging they did over the holidays.”

“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” said Krystal Stevens, a self-described raw foodist and regular juicer. “The symptoms of E. coli infection sound like your average detox symptoms. I don’t even believe it’s really E. coli; probably a bunch of meat eaters with a lot of toxicity in their bodies.”

The public’s reaction, or lack thereof to the E. coli breakout, has many in the wellness and weight-loss business looking to capitalize on the bacteria strain.

“The research is in its infancy, but me and my team are working on isolating a less dangerous strain of E. coli that can be added to juices and smoothies voluntarily,” Dr. Wizard of Oz announced. “Exposing the body to the strain will not only result in more pronounced weight loss, but may increase its immunity in a similar way to how the body results to antibiotics.”

(Via Dailycurrant.com)

When asked what they thought about Dr. Wizard of Oz’s plans, the FDA responded, “In no way should a consumer, purposely consume E. Coli. It’s dangerously deadly. Even if a celebrity endorses it, don’t do it.”