Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said, according to The New Yorker.

“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”

Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses, reports The New Yorker.

The Queen offered no reason for the move, but the palace indicated that she had been packing her bags for the past several weeks.

In a sign that the Queen’s decision is irrevocable, the palace revealed that her beloved corgis had already been flown to Toronto.

In a brief farewell statement to the British people, the Queen explained why she had chosen Canada as her new home. “We speak the language, and our picture’s on the money there,” she said.

She said that she had “no regrets” about abdicating the throne to her son, Charles. “At this point, there’s nothing he can do to make the U.K. more messed up than it already is,” she said.

“Do you think I’m wearing this bra because it’s comfortable?” she asks. “Sure there are times I want to be taken seriously,” she explains, but “those times I don’t wear this shirt!”

If you’re easily offended go ahead and skip this video.

Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The VE provides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding.

Q: How did the couple meet?

A: This arranged marriage was brokered to improve diplomatic ties between the U.K. and the USA Network.

Q: Why is the wedding breaking with tradition by being held on a Saturday?

A: Windsor Castle is completely booked for the rest of the week by a dermatology conference.

Q: What did Meghan Markle have to do to prepare for the wedding?

A: Be baptized and confirmed into the same church that condoned multiple executions of royals’ wives in the past.

Q: How many swans will be slaughtered, boiled, and served to the guests?

A: 250.

Q: What will play for the couple’s first dance?

A: As per tradition, the newlyweds will dance to the sound of teacups clinking against saucers amidst a tense silence.

Q: Will there be hats?

A: You bet your fucking ass there’ll be hats.

Q: What gifts will the royal couple receive?

A: In lieu of gifts, they have asked guests to make a donation to the British East India Company or the Royal African Company.

Q: Where will the couple honeymoon?

A: Disneyland

Q: Are we really still doing this?

A: Yes.

Source: The Onion

Sources close to the couple revealed that the couple will be flying from Los Angeles directly to the Guanacaste airport for an all-inclusive two week’s vacation at an undisclosed beach hotel.

The source would not reveal the exact date, but most likely would be May 12. The newlyweds are expected to head off to the airport on Saturday, resting up on Friday after the pair’s big day that to airs on CBS on Thursday (May 10), the 11th season finale of The Big Bang Theory.

Women who remain die-hard feminists well into adulthood are oftentimes the least desirable specimens, science now claims.

“The only relationships they have are often ones with other females who subscribe to the same strict ideologies, and serve as echo chambers for extremist thought. The stereotype of overweight, unattractive, bitter, resentful hags with a chip on their shoulder isn’t really too far from the truth,” said Sheila Baker, director of the Garrison Institute located in Langford, Mississippi.

“Women who quickly abandon feminism are just happier in the long run,” Harman told National Report. “Once they engage in a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex, 78% of women realize that they had been brainwashed via college campuses and social media. They’re ashamed of having associated with a mob of mentally-ill whiners and seek to distance themselves  from that lifestyle as much as possible.”

After graduating high school, Sheila Baker was accepted into at a well-known liberal college located in the Pacific Northwest, attended primarily by the offspring of affluent families. Even then, feminism was the social justice ’cause du jour’ amongst bleeding-heart upper class young adults with no worldly perspective or experience. “It’s true. I identified as a feminist in college,” Baker blushingly confessed. “It’s really rather embarrassing to admit now. I marched in the marches. I blogged with the best of them. I was full of entitlement and resentment towards what I thought at the time was the source of all the world’s ills: The Patriarchy. In particular, white males. The only real exposure I had to the less fortunate was through my textbooks. Instructors basically fanned the flames by telling us that all sources of oppression and strife within’ the world were due to privileged Caucasians.

You get a bunch of impressionable white kids together who are in a rebellious frame of mind and tell them that the families they grew up with are basically responsible for everything that is wrong with the world and I can guarantee the outcome is not going to be a healthy one.”

And the horror stories don’t stop there says Sheila, who claims she has heard thousands of stories which ring similarly to her own. And far too many of those tales result in permanent damage to the woman, her personal life, and familial relationships.

Barker went on to elaborate upon one particular instance in which a woman became so wrapped up in feminism that she was disowned by her family, eventually leading to her untimely demise at the hands of an intentional overdose.

“We’ll call this woman K.C. out of respect,” Sheila began. “We were close friends in college, and even by my own admittedly very liberal standards, she was quite extreme. Always talking about how men should be castrated and put in labor camps. She updated her social media with misandrist hate speech, and even went onto violently attack her younger brother when he accidentally misgendered one of her friends.

During this time K.C. intentionally gained 200 pounds in what she called her fight against beauty stereotypes. What was once a beautiful, attractive young girl had permanently mutilated herself with facial tattoos, piercings, and morbid obesity.”

Sheila Baker will be releasing her findings in an upcoming interview with OUT Magazine, as well as a 30 state tour to sign the accompanying book which goes into even more detail as to why young women fall into the treacherous trap of liberalism, and how to reclaim their lives from commie parasites, and other damaging ideologies which prey on a misguided desire to make the world a better place, all while paving the hell.

“Shit, shit, fucking shit, stupid asshole, it’s all wrong,” scientist Stephen Hawking said this morning when he discovered himself walking and with the vitality of his youth and to see that there is life after death and that, for therefore, all his assumptions about the nature of the universe were incorrect.

“Oh, fuck, really?” Exclaimed the scientist when he verified, without any doubt, that the cosmos, time, reality and everything that man knows is nothing more than the will of an abstract entity supernatural.

According to sources from the Hereafter, the scientist has also had the opportunity to contemplate the history of time and to see that a large part of his assumptions about the Big Bang are not correct either, given that Creation is not older than 6,000 years, and how it was known with certainty before Newton forced the other scientists to “correct” their paradigms.

Source: El Mundo Today

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un has revealed to close associates that he has offered to meet Donald J. Trump only as a means of achieving his real goal: meeting the former adult-film star Stormy Daniels.

A confidant of the North Korean dictator said that Kim revealed his true intentions behind the Trump invitation at a high-level government meeting on Thursday night. “Kim said that he was a big fan of Stormy’s, and he decided that meeting with Trump would be a ‘necessary evil’ if he wanted a chance to meet her,” the confidant said.

According to the confidant, Kim first attempted to arrange a meeting with Daniels through his close friend, the former N.B.A. player Dennis Rodman, “but, when Dennis said that he didn’t know Stormy, Kim was, like, ‘Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to go through Trump, then.’ ”

Kim reportedly is prepared to use whatever leverage is necessary to force Trump to broker the meeting with the erstwhile porn performer. “If Kim doesn’t get to meet Stormy, the missile tests resume,” the confidant said.

When told about Kim’s real reason for offering to meet with Trump, a White House aide initially expressed shock, but then added, “Now everything makes sense.”

For more than a century art historical experts have labelled a painting Queen Victoria bought as a Christmas present for Prince Albert a 19th-century fake.

But a new generation of art historians has discovered they were wrong. Victoria and her advisers were correct when they bought the painting in 1840. It is a genuine work by the German master Lucas Cranach the Elder and his workshop.

On Tuesday, the gloriously restored work went on public display at Windsor Castle, taking pride of place in the King’s Dressing Room alongside other works by Cranach.

Nicola Christie, the head of paintings conservation at the Royal Collection Trust, welcomed the discovery. “It is an absolute thrill. It doesn’t happen very often and it is such a pleasure to know that it has been reattributed.”

The painting Portrait of a Lady and Her Son (c 1510-1540) shows an unidentified consort of a prince-elector of the Holy Roman Empire and her son, hand in hand.