VATICAN ENQUIRER (Houston, Texas) The results of Super Bowl LI are in, and the winner is the New England Patriots.

After pulling out to an early 28-3 lead, Atlanta allowed the Patriots to reel off 25 consecutive points to tie the game and secure an overtime period (the first in Super Bowl history).

Although the Falcons outpaced the Patriots by nearly millions of fans, according to Nielsen ratings released late this evening, the Patriots pulled of an amazing comeback to win in overtime by a score of 34-28.

“We all brought each other back,” said quarterback Tom Brady, who was named Super Bowl M.V.P. for a record fourth time. “We never felt out of it.”

At the end, Brady completed 43 of 62 passes for 466 yards and two touchdowns.

For his part, Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan appeared unstoppable through the first three quarters with plenty of help from the Falcons defense.

The game became political after President Donald Trump chose to side with the Patriots setting off a firestorm of left wing hacks to back the Falcons in an Anti-American move to simply spite the President.  The famed commercials aired during the game added to the sentiment of a large number of Americans unhappy with the direction taken by the Trump administration.

Trump, who is famously friendly with the team’s owner (Robert Kraft), coach (Bill Belichick) and quarterback (Tom Brady), gave up on his Super Bowl favorites after the team went down 28-3 in the second half and left his Trump International Golf Party in West Palm Beach, Florida.  Trump would later tweet “What an amazing comeback and win by the Patriots.  Tom Brady, Bob Kraft and Coach B are total winners.  Wow.”

In response to the lose, liberals launched the hashtag #NotMyOvertime.

Article originally appeared on Nationalreport.net

A college softball player from the University of Texas shocked the sports world today by coming out as a heterosexual.

In an emotional press conference this morning, Jennifer Ryan, 23, announced that she was a “proud member” of the opposite-sex community. The senior shortstop is believed to be the first and only openly straight women’s softball player in the history of NCAA athletics.

“I would just like to thank everyone who has supported me through this difficult time in my life,” she told reporters at McCombs Field in Austin. “For years I have known that I was different, but lacked the courage to be open about my lifestyle with family, friends and teammates.

“Today I would like to tell the world that I am straight. It’s not something that I chose. I was simply born this way. And after years of living in the closet, the time has come for me to start being who I really am.

“I want to tell every little girl in America: you don’t have to be gay to be an elite softball player. Straight athletes hit just as hard, pitch just as hard, and run just as hard as everybody else.

“Hopefully my example will inspire other straight softball players to come out from the shadows. We need to stand up and be recognized for the amazing contributions we have made to this sport.”

First Base

Today’s news comes after several high-profile male athletes have come out as gay in recent months. Jason Collins became the first openly-gay player in the NBA this year after the Brooklyn Nets signed him in February. And the NFL is expected to have its first openly gay player when Missouri defensive end Michael Sam is drafted in May.

Just yesterday, men’s college basketball became the latest sport to have it’s first openly gay player when UMass sophomore forward Derrick Gordon came out to USA Today.

Other collegiate sports have long had openly gay athletes. But some, like softball, have notoriously had a dearth of openly straight ones.

Nevertheless Ryan’s coming-out has drawn support from several prominent gay softball stars. Shortly after the press conference  2008 silver medalist Lauren Lappin  Tweeted, “Great day for college softball. Jennifer Ryan has proved we are a sport that accepts all lifestyles.”

Source: Daily Currant

BREAKING NEWS:  This just in, a spokesperson of Mexico’s National Team, the Selección Mexicana, in an official statement said Mexico will distance itself from the performance of the referees in the game with Panama and its decision to withdraw from the final play.

Accompanied by head coach Miguel Herrera, the official explained that “the team that deserves to play the final is Panama”, a matter that has already been raised with the CONCACAF, reluctantly accepting after much discussion.

“We know that is history were reversed and the penalty against Panama nonexistent, the “Canaleros” (common name for Panamanians and their canal) would have won,” said the spokesperson.

“We certainly were wrong to make the goal, but, don’t want to continue with the bitterness of the win and are doing this as a gesture to our Panamanian brothers. They final should be played with dignity, we will settle for playing the United States,” said the statement.

Meanwhile, the interim president of the CONCACAF commented that “this is good for everyone, because on the one hand justice is done and moreover Mexico will play the United States, which was the goal from the start of the Gold Cup.”

Source: ElDeforma, Mexico’s leading news source!

BROOKLYN, NY (The Vatican Enquirer) – U.S. authorities are anxiously waiting the arrival of Costa Rican Eudaro Li in Brooklyn, New York, to have their day in a preliminary hearing.

In fact, it has already defined where the Tico will touch g ground.

According to New York prosecutor, Darren LaVerne, upon his arrival Li will be transferred to the Metropolitan Detention Center (MDC) Brooklyn.

The MDC Brooklyn is located in front of the Upper Bay, which divides New York and New Jersey, resting place of the famous Statue of Liberty, an icon of America.

New Jersey has one of the largest Costa Rican population in the United States, with Trenton, Bound Brook and Elizabeth very close to MDC, allowing Li to order in typical Costa Rican food and get visits from other Costa Ricans.

The plan, according to LaVerne, is for the Costa Rican to spend a couple of nights in jail before appearing before trial judge, Raymond Dearie, who will handle the preliminary arraignment and raise the possibility of bail.

Because of the seriousness of the case and Li’s participation in these illegal goings on at the FIFA, he was declared as second defendant in the criminal action filed this week by the attorney general of the United States, Loretta Lynch.

Among the charges against him include conspiracy, wire fraud, and money laundering, both at the  Uncaf and Concacaf, facing a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison.

The Vatican Enquirer tried to contact the Cost Rican consulate in New York and Embassy in Washington to know more about the preparation plans for Li’s arrival and any assistance they will be providing the Costa Rican, but our calls went unanswered.

The MDC was in the eye of the hurricane a few years ago, after being criticized for the alleged torture of prisoners, prisoners not allowed to call their families or have access to their lawyers for long periods of time. And allegations of keeping prisoners in their cells up to 23 hours a day to keep staffing costs down.

WASHINGTON (The Vatican Enquirer) – Critics have called the Obama Administration’s actions against the soccer organization “weak and ineffective,” calling for military action to “dismantle and destroy FIFA and bring its leader to justice.”

“These are people who only understand one thing: force,” said Senator John McCain on the floor of the United States Senate. “We must make FIFA taste the vengeful might and fury of the United States military.”

McCain is just one of may Americans “completely unimpressed” by the Department of Justice’s arrests in Switzerland this week.

Critics say that the DOJ actions was nothing more of “rounding up a few flunkies is meaningless when the leader of the FIFA remains at large”.

The administration is said in response to be preparing a four billion dollar package to allow the United States to put boots on the ground in Switzerland, taking down a FIFA that was created by United States and allowing its rampant growth and popularity.

“The use of force against the FIFA is long overdue,” according to senator McCain.

MUNICH — Preparations are nearing completion for the world’s first Slow Olympics, where athletes from around the world will compete while living in the moment.

Inspired by other Slow movements such as Slow Food, Slow Parenting and Slow Emergency Response, the first annual Slow Olympics is scheduled to open this August in the Bavarian town of Platzed.

“It’s not about how ‘fast’ you can do it or if you can do it ’better’ than the other guy…it’s about how rewarding is it for you on a deep and personal level,” said International Slow Olympics Committee’s president Dietrich Schleppers.

Up to 500 athletes from a dozen countries are expected to “uncompete” in such unique Slow Olympics events as the 100 Metre Meander, the Easy-Does-It-Don’t-Give-Yourself-a-Hernia Discus Throw, and (to be live-streamed online) Ladies Hot Tub Volleyball.

With no starting guns or finish lines, judges will rate-but-not-judge athletes on such Slow Olympics criteria as “in the zone”, “stopping to smell the roses”, “being in touch with your body beautiful”, and “peak mindful experience”.

The inaugural Slow Olympics is expected to draw a huge TV audience and will finish “by 2017 at the very latest,” according to Schleppers, a former mascot for the Turks and Caicos national soccer team.

“Unless, of course, people are having a really calm time, in which case it could go on and on and on …” he added.

Platzed mayor Hoagy Carmichaelstein expects the Slow Olympics will put his sleepy Alpine village on the map.

“We are already famous from up to 100 kilometres for our Wiener Schnitzel, our beer gardens, unt our coronary thrombosis. Slow athletics is, for us, a perfect fit!”

Shleppers promises athletes will be strictly – and very slowly – tested for performance-enhancing drugs such as Xanax, Halcion and chamomile tea.

Pre-event sex will be encouraged – “and facilitated.”

Article by Syd Baumel, Via Thelapine.ca

February 1, 2015, VATICAN ENQUIRER – The Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots say they are ready to open for the Katy Perry concert on Sunday afternoon, at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona.

Following the concert the Super Bowl, the most anticipated sports event and commercials will follow.

To avoid from the crown falling asleep during the game, singer Katy Perry, said she promises to return to singing after the games so fans who leave the stadium at mid game.

The Katy Perry concert also promises to premier creative commercials to set the trend in the industry for 2015.

BMW, Coca Cola, Doritos, Budweiser, Kia, Snickers and Toyota are among the advertisers promising dazzling commercials to keep the game alive.

Promoters say they will be monitoring the mood of the crowd and play the additional commercials, if needed to keep the crowd alive.

The game promises to thrill the live and television audience with takes of players consuming sports drinks and exciting commentary on game plays and tackles, giving a sense of sport showmanship.

Costa Rica’s national soccer team will get a do over (do something over again, to repeat something) Friday night’s game with the United States.

“It was snowing really hard”, said Costa Rican manager Jorge Luis Pinto about the field conditions at the Commerce City, Colorado stadium, where his team lost to the gringos in World Cup qualifying 1-0.

The Ticos complained to the FIFA and the world soccer organization agreed it was unfair and the game will be replayed. The FIFA did not say when the make up game will be played. A FIFA official, who remained nameless, was quoted as saying it (the make up game) may not be necessary, as the Ticos “don’t stand a freezing chance of qualifying and one loss won’t make much of a difference in the overall of things”.

There is no argument that the game was an “embarrassment” for the Costa Rican team. Some would even call it an insult to Costa Rica.

The US, however, sees it different. “Yes, they did ask for the game to be postponed, but they finished the game. And they lost. Here’s the thing, would the Ticos be complaining if they had won? When we play down there, it is really in the island an we don’t complain”, was the unofficial statement by the US team.

One of the complaints by the Tico players was “we couldn’t see the ball, even though they used the yellow ones”.

In their argument to the FIFA, the Ticos said, “if we had played without snow, we would have won”.

Play they did. Lost they did. Complained they did. Play again they will.