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  • Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints

    VATICAN CITY—Bringing the tragic story of his righteous sacrifice to life, recently canonized martyr Salomone Leclercq on Friday was added to the Vatican Museum’s Animatronic Hall of Saints. “This newest addition allows visitors to experience the courage of the godly man who was murdered for refusing to swear an oath to the secular government following […] More

  • Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges

    VATICAN CITY (ROME)—Complaining that He had better things to do than get up early to contest the “totally bullshit” claims, Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God, reportedly appeared in Roman Municipal Court on Wednesday to face several 2,000-year-old riot charges. “Like, I wasn’t even in Jerusalem during the Cleansing of the […] More

  • 9 Out Of 10 Dead People Preferred Not To Have Died: Survey

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – A recent survey undertaken by students at the Vatican University (VU) on the effects of death, confirmed that the majority of the dead interviewed preferred not to be dead. “Not that it’s that bad on the other side…they preffered to be on the living side of life,” said Teresa Elena Caputo, coordinator […] More

  • Pope remains champion at annual pancake eating contest

    (AMP) VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year in a row at the annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating contest and papal mass. “The Holy Spirit was with me,” said a gorged Pope Francis addressing the crowd of thousands who […] More

  • The Vatican Enquirer Assistant Editor Father Guido Sarducci Talks About Pope Francis, Elvis at the Vatican, and UFOs

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      VATICAN ENQUIRER – On the Talk Show with Harper Simon, Episode 42, “Pope Francis, Elvis at the Vatican, and UFOs with Father Guido Sarducci”, Father Guido Sarducci discusses the truth about Pope Francis, Pope Benedict, and Pope John Paul II, and he shares the Vatican secrets that have been withheld for too long from […] More

  • Catholic Church Developing Cyborgs To Help Fill Churches

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap […] More

  • “No Means No!” Pope Says, Excommunicates 95% Of Italian Men

    Sibari, Calabria | Using his strongest language to date, Pope Francis told Italian Mafia members and those who look like mafia members on Saturday that they are excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thereby excommunicating nearly 95% of Italians across the globe. “Those who in their life have gone along the evil ways, as in the case of […] More

  • How To Join The Priesthood

    VATICAN ENQUIRER (The Onion) With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest: Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply […] More

  • Aging Broncos Quarteback Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog

    VATICAN ENQUIRER –  Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog. “Given Peyton’s age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the […] More

  • Screen Actors Guild Develops Retraining Program For 30-Year-Old Actresses Aging Out Of Workforce

    LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help open new doors for the many women struggling to readjust to life after performing, officials from the Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists spoke to reporters Thursday about the union’s new job-training program for 30-year-old actresses who have aged out of the workforce. SAG-AFTRA officials, who […] More

  • AshleyMadison.com to become dating site for newly divorced

      VATICAN ENQUIRER, TORONTO – Avid Life Media, the company that owns infidelity website AshleyMadison.com, announced today that the site would make a major shift from facilitating extramarital affairs to simply being a dating service for the newly divorced. Citing “changing demographics” and a new focus on a socially responsible business model, Ashley Madison spokesman […] More

  • Breaking news: Michael J Fox Arrested For Insider Sports Betting

    VATICAN ENQUIRER, Los Angeles, October 21, 2015  – Michael J Fox was arrested Wednesday morning in relation to insider sports betting on DraftKings. Fox aroused suspicion after achieving a statistically-impossible, perfect record on the site under the username NoChicken. Authorities found an unusually worn copy of a sports almanac which was just recently printed and which has markings cataloging winning […] More

  • Costa Rica Analyzing Possibility Of Piping Martian Water

    The VATICAN ENQUIRER – Encouraged by the find of water on Mars, in an ambitious project,and with the help of the country’s former astronaut, Franklin Chang, Costa Rica’s water utility is making plans to travel to the Red Planet, extract and pipe the water back home. It all sounds like science fiction, but the head […] More

  • Burger King Closed Costa Rica Because People Want To Eat Healthier

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – Costa Rica’s minister of Labour, Víctor Morales, considers that one of the reasons why Burger King shut down operations in the country, is that Costa Ricans are looking to eat healthier. “The market has been changing, people are opting for healthier options and companies have to adapt to his new reality. Data […] More

  • Billionaire Donald Trump To Travel to Costa Rica To Negotiate Purchase Of The Country

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    VATICAN ENQUIRER – Following his sale of the Miss Universe pageant, billionaire Donald Trump, one of the richest men in the world, said he would be interested in investing in Costa Rica, but not as investor, rather as buyer. In recent statements Trump said he is interested in increasing his real estate portfolio and what […] More

  • Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window

    VATICAN CITY—Hurrying outside after hearing a disturbingly loud thud against the side of the church, Pope Francis was reportedly left to clean up the remains of a dead angel Monday that flew straight into one of the Sistine Chapel’s windows. “It’s really sad; it seems like one of these guys crashes into a window at […] More

  • Marcus Lemonis Announces Takeover of Trump’s 2016 Presidential Campaign

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    (VATICAN ENQUIRER)  Miami, FLA – “Business turnaround king” and star of CNBC’s prime time reality series The Profit, Marcus Lemonis announced he made a deal with Donald Trump to take over his 2016 U.S. presidential campaign. Under the deal, sharing the profits of the presidency 50-50, Lemonis says Trump has agreed to step away from […] More