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  • 9 Out Of 10 Dead People Preferred Not To Have Died: Survey

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – A recent survey undertaken by students at the Vatican University (VU) on the effects of death, confirmed that the majority of the dead interviewed preferred not to be dead. “Not that it’s that bad on the other side…they preffered to be on the living side of life,” said Teresa Elena Caputo, coordinator […] More

  • The Vatican Enquirer Assistant Editor Father Guido Sarducci Talks About Pope Francis, Elvis at the Vatican, and UFOs

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      VATICAN ENQUIRER – On the Talk Show with Harper Simon, Episode 42, “Pope Francis, Elvis at the Vatican, and UFOs with Father Guido Sarducci”, Father Guido Sarducci discusses the truth about Pope Francis, Pope Benedict, and Pope John Paul II, and he shares the Vatican secrets that have been withheld for too long from […] More

  • Catholic Church Developing Cyborgs To Help Fill Churches

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – The Congregation for the Development of Mechanical Persons (CDMP) announced today that they have successfully developed their first batch of cyborg parishioners to help fill pews. The exciting news comes as the Church struggles with a world-wide Mass attendance shortage. But the move is being seen by some skeptics as a “cheap […] More

  • “No Means No!” Pope Says, Excommunicates 95% Of Italian Men

    Sibari, Calabria | Using his strongest language to date, Pope Francis told Italian Mafia members and those who look like mafia members on Saturday that they are excommunicated from the Catholic Church, thereby excommunicating nearly 95% of Italians across the globe. “Those who in their life have gone along the evil ways, as in the case of […] More

  • How To Join The Priesthood

    VATICAN ENQUIRER (The Onion) With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest: Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply […] More

  • Aging Broncos Quarteback Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog

    VATICAN ENQUIRER –  Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog. “Given Peyton’s age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the […] More

  • Screen Actors Guild Develops Retraining Program For 30-Year-Old Actresses Aging Out Of Workforce

    LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help open new doors for the many women struggling to readjust to life after performing, officials from the Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists spoke to reporters Thursday about the union’s new job-training program for 30-year-old actresses who have aged out of the workforce. SAG-AFTRA officials, who […] More

  • AshleyMadison.com to become dating site for newly divorced

      VATICAN ENQUIRER, TORONTO – Avid Life Media, the company that owns infidelity website AshleyMadison.com, announced today that the site would make a major shift from facilitating extramarital affairs to simply being a dating service for the newly divorced. Citing “changing demographics” and a new focus on a socially responsible business model, Ashley Madison spokesman […] More

  • Breaking news: Michael J Fox Arrested For Insider Sports Betting

    VATICAN ENQUIRER, Los Angeles, October 21, 2015  – Michael J Fox was arrested Wednesday morning in relation to insider sports betting on DraftKings. Fox aroused suspicion after achieving a statistically-impossible, perfect record on the site under the username NoChicken. Authorities found an unusually worn copy of a sports almanac which was just recently printed and which has markings cataloging winning […] More

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