OTTAWA — Jean Chretien actually giggled when he showed his personal baggie of pot to reporters today as he called for the immediate end of arrests for possession of marijuana.

“Hahaha. Yes, yes. For 50 years, I had céréales Cheerios every morning but you know dat gets boring,” said a grinning Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada from 1993 to 2003.

“But de Prime Minister Trudeau has used dis marijuana and told me dat I have to, you know, move with de times so now I just mush dis marijuana up with a banane…banana…and den watch some TV.”

“It doesn’t matter what I watch…any show makes me laugh after breakfast now.”

“You know, I got dis…dis pot — as young people call it — at a marijuana store,” said Chretien as he fished in his suit pants pocket and brought out a small baggie of what looked to reporters like marijuana.

“I had no doctor’s prescription or nutting like dat. I just told dis young guy behind the counter dat I tink I have some digestive gas some times you know and dat some nights dat maybe keeps me awake.”

“I left dat store with marijuana and taut I might get arrested…you know, I was a bit hoping I would get arrested. Da headlines would have made people tink about dis — Creaky 83-Year-Old Jean Chretien Has Gas and Faces de Jail Time for Illegal Pot,” laughed Chretien.

Chretien made the admission that he eats a fair bit of pot following recent requests from police chiefs across the country urging the Liberal government to give them direction on whether to continue arresting people for “having a joint in their jeans.”

A CBC report aired earlier this week showed wide differences in how police forces are dealing with the coming legalization of marijuana. According to the report, Canadians caught with marijuana are up to 10 times more likely to be arrested in Calgary or Regina than they are in Toronto or Vancouver.

Calgary Police Chief Roger Chaffin has repeatedly stated that he strongly opposes “the stupid legalization of Mary Jane” and has instructed his officers to “haul in anyone who even smells of pot”.

“Dis is stupid det anybody is getting arrested when marijuana will be as legal as biere in a year.”

“As long as I don’t drive after my morning banane…banana…what is de harm? I get a bit you know silly and den maybe eat some salty snacks and dat is dat.”

“Nobody should be arrested just because dey buy pot for dis digestive gas. Hahaha.”

Original article by Sue Dunum, reportering for The Lapine

“Groups from Rush to Triumph to Harmonium are valued members of our society, and it’s our duty to ensure that they’re healthy enough to tour throughout their golden years,” said Trudeau at a press conference, explaining that a new bill slightly raising sales taxes would fully fund coverage for the increased expenses incurred by the nation’s elderly prog-rock vocalists, guitarists, and mellotron players.

“While prog rockers represent over 5 percent of Canada’s GDP, they require an increasing amount of our healthcare funds, with The Guess Who and Voivod accounting for millions of dollars in annual medical spending alone.

As band members get older and have trouble standing for the duration of 19-minute intros, remembering all the lyrics to their fantasy concept albums, or simply getting around a 40-piece drum kit, we owe it to them to do all we can.”

Trudeau’s plan has reportedly spurred calls for similar legislation in Norway, where citizens will increasingly have to contend with significant healthcare expenditures for their large and rapidly aging black metal population.

Source: Theonion.com