WASHINGTON, D.C. —Admitting the startling discovery had compelled His Holiness Pope Francis to reexamine his long-held beliefs, announcing Wednesday that he will no longer be critical towards capitalism after seeing the immense variety of Oreos available in the United States.
And it’s not just Oreos, the many different variety of chocolate chip cookies. “Don’t get me started on the selection of chocolate bars,” said the Pope, admitting that his favourite is the American version of the Kit Kat, a sweeter chocolate than those available in Italy.
“Oh, my goodness, look at all these! Golden Oreos, Cookie Dough Oreos, Mega Stuf Oreos, Birthday Cake Oreos—perhaps the system of free enterprise is not as terrible as I once feared,” said Pope Francis while visiting Washington D.C.
“Only a truly exceptional and powerful economic system would be capable of producing so many limited-edition and holiday-themed flavors of a single cookie brand, such as these extraordinary Key Lime Pie Oreos and Candy Corn Oreos. This is not a force of global impoverishment at all, but one of endless enrichment.”
At press time, the pontiff had reportedly withdrawn his acceptance of capitalism, calling any system that would unleash a Roadhouse Chili Monster Slim Jim on the public “an unholy abomination.”
But that is all in the past now.
Article written with divine inspiration from theonion.com