The VATICAN ENQUIRER, Los Altos, CA— Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday.

“With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day.

“The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day.

And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.”

Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.

From Theonion.com

Saying love could be as close as a neighbor or colleague you’ve never once found yourself remotely interested in, new dating website OnSecondThought.com launched this week with a promise to pair users with people they already know but thought they were too good for.

“On Second Thought uses a compatibility formula unlike any other site, drawing your personalized matches exclusively from those within your daily life who you’ve always considered beneath you,” said founder Layla Mufti, adding that the site’s easy-to-use interface allows members to get another look at the network of people they’ve written off in the past for not being attractive, intelligent, interesting, polite, active, hygienic, or stable enough to meet their standards.

“One day you might get paired with someone from work who you’ve always regarded as mediocre-looking and kind of dumb, while the next it could be a friend of a friend whose annoying Twitter feed you muted.

Our algorithm is designed to help you see a person you’ve always found unappealing as your next romantic partner—at this point, why not?”

While Mufti expressed her hope to see the site grow, she said the true measure of its success will be the number of short-lived marriages it spawns.

Via Theonion.com

Several of the Wheelers’ Facebook friends stated that the couple’s profile pictures and cover photos—in which the two are seen smiling side-by-side at a local street festival, dressed in coordinated Halloween costumes, and embracing in silhouette as their shadows stretch out across a beach—confirm that the digital version of their married life remains as enriching and vibrant as ever.

“Wow, Annie and Colin are really going strong,” said acquaintance Ellen Watney of the couple’s marriage as it appears online, pointing to a recent six-image photo album titled “Paninis in the park!” that showed how the Wheelers are always laughing, having fun, and playfully enjoying each other’s company. “It’s nice to see a married couple that is as close as they are and that truly loves spending time together.”

“They’re clearly having a blast,” added Watney of the social networking–based version of the Wheelers’ relationship, citing picture captions that included “watching the sunset together” and “<3”. “What can you say? They’re just so in love.”

Further reports indicated that the Wheelers’ romance was likewise alive and well in the Instagram iteration of their marriage. According to followers, a number of vintage-inspired photos of the couple on the Golden Gate Bridge and attending an outdoor concert demonstrated that, as far as their presence on the virtual photo-sharing network was concerned, the pair share an effortlessly enjoyable and enriching partnership that is never marred by tension, boredom, or irritation.

“Those two are always going out and having a ton of fun together,” said former college classmate Daniel Felix, confirming that the spark has never left the social media representation of the couple’s marriage. “A few weeks ago, Colin tweeted about the wineries he and Annie were visiting for their anniversary, and then just recently he posted a picture of them biking together. It all sounds so great. He and Annie apparently have something really special together.”

According to reports, the Wheelers’ children are also doing equally well in the internet versions of their lives. Sources confirmed that a set of photographs taken at a local carnival and recently posted to Annie Wheeler’s profile displayed how happy and well-adjusted the couple’s 5- and 7-year-old son and daughter are, with many of the pictures receiving dozens of likes and long strings of admiring comments.

“Oh my God, those kids are too cute,” said Facebook friend Janna Baldwin of Madeline and Jake Wheeler as she clicked through photos depicting the two beaming children, who, according to how they are portrayed on the social media site, do not get tired or moody, always treat their respective sibling with respect and love, and consistently behave themselves in both private and public. “Just look at Maddy sharing her cotton candy with Jake. And there’s another one of them falling asleep in the car. They’re so sweet.”

“You can tell Annie and Colin really raised them well,” Baldwin added of the electronic representation of the Wheeler family. “They’ve built such a warm, loving home.”

Several acquaintances also noted that Annie Wheeler is an extremely engaged and devoted mother on Pinterest. According to the images pinned to her “Family Meals” and “Crafting With My Kids” boards, Wheeler is a remarkable online version of a mom, possessing plenty of free time to cook intricate, visually appealing, and nutritious meals for her husband and children, while also having the patience to sit down with her kids after work and create a wide variety of elaborate and time-intensive arts and crafts projects.

“It’s really enviable how tight-knit the Wheeler family is,” said Facebook friend Chelsea Carmichael, basing her comments on a string of mobile photo uploads from a recent family vacation with Colin Wheeler’s parents, the entire span of which was evidently spent relaxing happily in each other’s company while swimming and grilling, and was not once tarnished by short tempers or strained periods of silence. “I love looking at their pictures. They just have such a wonderful time together.”

“They’re so happy, and their marriage will truly stand the test of time,” the friend continued of the version of the Wheelers’ lives that appears on her news feed. “Facebook proves that definitively.”

Via Theonion.com

VATICAN ENQUIRER (Washington, USA) — Hillary Clinton bluntly cut to the chase today saying America is ready for a woman President and what she doesn’t have between her legs should not be an issue.

“There are bonerheads out there who think a woman is not equipped to be President,” Clinton said on a live Reddit ‘Ask Me Anything’ session earlier today.

“Well, it’s got nothing to do with anatomy I can tell them that.”

“Leaders need to show they have the balls for the job without a doubt. But, sorry guys, they do not need to have testicles.”

While not using the word ‘feminism’ during the half-hour Reddit feed, Clinton responded to multiple questions about the shortcomings of not being a man firmly and with no outward signs of histrionics or breaking down in weepy tears.

“Let’s move on beyond me not having a bundle in my pants,” Clinton cajoled one man from Texas.

“It’s not a pressing issue whether my husband will be called ‘First Gentleman’ or, as you’re suggesting, ‘First Cuckhold’…it’s 2015, not 1950.”

With Sarah Palin being the only other female politician gearing up for a run at the White House, national polls are showing that the gender of the President is largely not a factor in voters’ minds except among Republican males, the majority of Tea Party members, and Donald Trump supporters.

Results of a Fox News poll released today show that 81% of their viewers do not support a woman being President, with 64% saying that if a female ever does win the highest office in the land she should be married to a strong man and be made to wear only skirts or dresses in public.

“Yes, I am a woman,” Clinton said in response to a man pointing out that there were no foremothers among the forefathers.

“Any other questions?”

Via Thelapine.ca

VATICAN ENQUIRER – Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg today posted an advisory to his 1.6 billion users that some pictures that appear on Facebook may be altered.

“Facebook users trust what they see and read here,” said Zuckerberg to media gathered for a hastily-called announcement.

“And we trust them to post no fibs, no exaggerations, no doctored photos.”

“But we’ve noticed a few faked pictures recently that many of our users may not recognize as having been sneakily changed.”

“Look for clues like famous people appearing to be oddly aroused by the homely person they’ve just met… heads too big or too small for the body they’re on…Jesus on toast…those sorts of things,” said Zuckerberg.

“Sadly, two more faked pictures appeared even today so we are warning every one of our users to take a moment and ask themselves, “Are those mammoth breasts real? Does that porky-faced man really have a six pack?”

The move by Facebook cautioning users to look for barely noticeable signs that a picture has been altered comes just days after a photo of Pope Francis with an erection happening under his cassock went viral and was picked up by major news outlets.

“If you’re not sure or if you find a picture that goes against anything at all that you believe in, share it with your friends and get their opinions.”

“And if you see that picture of a Grizzly bear letting an adorable, abandoned puppy breast-feed…just take a moment and ask yourself if someone might have photoshopped it.”

VATICAN ENQUIRER (Daily Currant) Tokyo University scientists have used genetic engineering to create cows that produce orange juice instead of traditional milk.

According to a report in New Japan Times Weekly (NJTW), the juice is a little creamier than your store bought orange juice but the taste is exactly the same. The drink is called Kawai Saiko, loosely translates to “Tasty Bovine Pleasure Juice.”

Aki Kojima, the CEO of Kagome, a Japanese fruit juice conglomerate, explained to the newspaper how they spliced a specific orange fruit DNA gene with a cow’s milk producing gland. It took 40 scientists over five years to perfect the cow orange juice.

“We did it with great success, and Kawai Saiko is now for sale at every Japanese markets,” Kojima said.

In a study conducted by the Kagome company, 8 out of 10 participants preferred the orange juice from cows. A participant in the study said through a translator, “It’s orange juice with a little cow. Very good. Number one orange cow.”

Tokyo University scientist Fukia Miyamoto told the NJTW, “The cow orange juice contains protein and other nutrients found in milk but with the look and texture of real orange juice. It’s the next generation of orange juice and the Japanese are at the forefront of this technology.”

With oranges being a delicacy on the Pacific island, the cow orange juice retails for half the price of orange tree juice at 312.87 yen ($2.65 USD) per 8 oz serving. For reference, orange juice in the United States costs $1.38 for 12 oz.

“It saves on transportation cost and is homegrown, just not in tree form,” Miyamoto said. “The Japanese are a very progressive people and don’t mind that their juice is coming from cows. Tree, cow, what’s the difference? One day we’ll be able to grow cows from trees.”

Cow-sourced orange juice sales have exploded in Japan, but this is only phase one, according to Kagome. They plan on entering the Chinese market as soon as all the red tape and bribery is complete in 2015.

Orange juice from cows is just the beginning. Due to the genetic properties of the cow, it is easy to splice their genes with other food organisms.

“We’ll be trying apple juice from cows next. If that works, we’ll be trying anything from alcohol to microprocessors chips,” Kojima said. “The sky’s the limit with cows. Anything can come out of those teets.”

PETA Peeved As Monsanto Rejoices

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is upset with the genetic engineering of the cows, saying “they shouldn’t be producing orange juice. They produce milk to feed their babies, that’s it. Anything else is a crime against mother nature,” said PETA spokeswoman Sasha Gray. “How would you like it if we engineered your urine to be almond milk? If cows could vote, they would vote ‘nay.’ Or is that horses that say ‘nay?’ ”

Agrochemical biotechnology giant Monsanto acknowledged the Japanese’s scientific accomplishment of orange milking. CEO Hugh Grant told Agroaficiando, “Pretty impressive, Kojimason. But wait until you see what we have planned. In the meantime, congratulations.

“Enjoy it while it lasts.”

TORONTO, Canada – A groundbreaking new study by Canadians suggests that the brains of pregnant woman remain functional throughout the gestational period.

“We were very surprised to discover that their brains were actually very similar to the brains of non-gestating women, or adult males,” stated Dr. Hynes, who coauthored the study with her colleague, Dr. Mills, from Toronto.

This shatters many of the presuppositions that underlie conventional care for childbearing woman, which suggest that non-pregnant people use sing-song voices to present information in simple terms.

“The most startling finding from all this,” stated Dr. Hynes, “is that pregnant woman may actually be able to process complex information and make educated decisions.”

“If you add to this to a recent Flemish study that suggests mothers make decisions based on the perceived best interest of their babies”, added Dr. Mills, “this has grave implications for the societal fantasy that everyone knows how to parent your children better than you do.”

“We want to be careful about this, but it seems that expectant mothers may not need the advice of every passerby in deciding how to act while pregnant,” said Mills.

Science is now questioning the longstanding cultural belief that the best way to support new mothers is leaning into pregnant women in the grocery store, assuming a posture of shared intimacy, perhaps placing one’s hands on their sensitive, stretched-thin bellies, and then doling out advice based on what your mother-in-law always told you in 1973.

“We are now considering the possibility that the best way for pregnant mothers to make decisions about pregnancy is to receive accurate, up to date, evidence-based information from an accredited practitioner of their choosing,” states Dr. Hynes.

“Surprisingly, providing women with access to complete, nuanced information may actually lead to better decision making, and healthier, less bat-shit pregnancies.”

“We think there is a lot more research to be done,” said Hynes. “It’s frightening to think about it, but it’s possible that mothers may retain intellectual and emotional complexity throughout their lifespan, with human feelings and needs beyond fulfilling the biological imperatives of feeding and sheltering their children.”

Mills added, “Although not likely, at this point it appears to be scientifically plausible mothers may not be not just be husks of humans whose role is complete once they’ve expelled all their cuteness in the form of a little baby. ”

“We don’t really blame OBGYN’s,” reflected Hynes when questioned about how care for pregnant women has been able to remain so condescending for so long.

“But what would you assume if one of these cranky, rotund creatures walked into your office overflowing out of their choo-choo train over-alls?”

“We have to go with the evidence.”

Fiona Jager, reportering for The Lapine in Canada, in a  special to the Vatican Enquirer