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  • U.S. Science Advisor Denies Apollo Moon Landings

    VATICAN ENQUIRER (Washington) Yale University professor David Gelernter, U.S. President Donald Trump’s newly appointed science and technology advisor, has already attracted a barrage of criticism after making controversial statements this week during an exclusive interview with Science Today. The controversial computer scientist already known for his strong stance against the science behind global warming has […] More

  • Mexican Beer Importers Bracing For A Trump Ban

    VATICAN ENQUIRER (Spoof News) In the face of U.S. President Trump’s threatened ban, stocks are soaring for Mexican brewers, as well as distributors and sellers of Mexican beer in the United States. Reached by phone, Molly Snipes, CEO of Molotov distributors in Denver, talked to this reporter about the spike in business. “This isn’t new […] More

  • The Rock picked for White House Press Secretary

    President-elect (sigh) Donald Trump announced viaTwitter his latest appointment, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to serve as White House Press Secretary. “We will make the dishonest media think twice before questioning our great policies,” Trump later told fans at a rally. Trump went on to praise the Rock for his unparalleled communication and Twitter savy. Dwayne Johnson was […] More

  • Trump Air Rolls Out “Non Stop Service To Canada” For Celebrity Defectors

    The TORRES REPORT, New York – Immediately following the U.S. presidential elections, countless remarked they would rather move than be governed by president-elect Donald Trump. In the days following the election, Canadian immigration officials confirmed they were swamped with requests, to the point their online system crashed. Seizing the opportunity, the Trump organization quickly rolled […] More

  • Queen Of England Announces Restoration Of British Rule Over United States

    LONDON (The VATICAN ENQUIRER) In an unexpected televised address on Tuesday, the Queen of England announced to restoration of British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now […] More

  • 16-year Old Girl Claims Former President Bill Clinton is Her Father

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – Little Rock, Arkansas | A 16-year old girl has presented a paternity action lawsuit this morning, before an Arkansas state court, alleging that the former president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton, is her biological father. Alyssa Gilmore claims that her mother, a former secretary of the oval office named Whitney […] More

  • Politics: Native American Council Offers Amnesty to 220 Million Undocumented Whites

    We are prepared to offer White people the option of staying on this continent legally and applying for citizenship! VATICAN ENQUIRER – A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States. At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in […] More

  • Report: Only 40% Of Celebrities End Up Marrying Their Stalkers

    LOS ANGELES—Revealing that the success of such relationships is far less certain than typically assumed, a report released Wednesday by UCLA’s Department of Sociology found that only 40 percent of celebrities ultimately end up marrying their stalkers. The comprehensive, multiyear study determined that actors, recording artists, and other public figures who are subject to constant […] More

  • Putin Eyes Perry’s Prize Kitty

    VATICAN ENQUIRER- Katy Perry’s kitty has apparently captured the attention of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Sources indicate Putin has contacted Perry’s management team with an offer to purchase the giant metallic tiger the pop singer rode during her performance at Super Bowl XLIX. While Putin has been quiet about his plans for the gargantuan gold-plated […] More

  • CEO Of Tesla Motors Replaced By Robot

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – In a surprising move, Tesla Motors removed Elon Musk as CEO this morning and replaced him with a highly intelligent robot. In a statement posted on its website, the pioneering electric car company thanked Musk for his years of service, but told investors that a more efficient executive has been found. The […] More

  • Condom Panic In N.Y. Snow Storm

    VATICAN ENQUIRER ( NEW YORK Governor Andrew Cuomo has issued an emergency appeal to New York men to be realistic about how much sex they will have during the looming snow storm and stop buying condoms by the boxful. “Come on guys…get real here,” Cuomo said on a live TV broadcast that interrupted regular programming. […] More

  • 48% of Americans Don’t Know What LGBT Stands For

    14% of Americans Think It’s a Sandwich! NEW YORK (The Lapine) — On the heels of President Barack Obama’s statement supporting LGBT equal rights, a national Gallup phone survey released today shows that nearly half of Americans can only guess what the letters stand for. “A lot of people said that LGBT has something or […] More

  • 5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred

    VATICAN ENQUIRER (The Onion) WASHINGTON — Saying that they had finally attained a life of slightly less uncertainty, 5 million of the nation’s illegal immigrants confirmed that the executive order announced by President Obama Thursday night would allow them to at last realize their dreams of having their deportation deferred for an indeterminate period of […] More

  • CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica

    In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to “a little miscommunication” while overthrowing some nearby Central American countries. O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica Source: TheOnion More