Latin-Americans have well-known fury from being excluded from the “American” membership. Each time a US citizen identifies as American, the resulting argument is more intense than deciding which abuela makes the best tamales.
“We’re Americans, too!” Rocio Rodriguez proclaimed as she flaunted her Ropa Americana coupons. “Everyone from Canada to Tierra del Fuego is considered so.”
Trump described it as “unbelievable” and announced a directive to put a stop to the exploitation.
“This misassociation has gone on for far too long,” the president said as he granted Milo Yiannopoulos citizenship and gave him Washington D.C.’s key to the city. “If people want to be part of us, they have to pay for it.”
When questioned on how he plans to track the word’s use over such a vast continent, the president ignored the question completely and asked everyone to check out his new shoes. When pressed further, he said the economic gains would be “yuuuuge” for the already affluent.
In response to the order, “Todos somos Americanos” signs have popped up in lackadaisical protests across the continent. “Those pinche gringos aren’t the only Americans around,” severely overweight Gavin Hernandez shouted while finishing off a 10-piece KFC bucket in San Jose. “We’re all the same!” chants also emerged in Buenos Aires from marchers with maps simultaneously showing “America” as one continent and Africa as a single nation.
Domestically, trickle-down effects of the order have also started to resonate. When Houston native Monserrat Lopez was charged double at a local Starbucks, she was left perplexed. “I wasn’t even thrown off that they had written ‘Monster Truck’ on my coffee cup,” she lamented. “But when the barista told me it was because I ordered an ‘Americano,’ me volvió loca.”
Lopez is far from the only victim. Over the past few weeks, Latin-Americans have seen interest rates on their American Express cards increase drastically, discounts on skinny jeans decline at American Eagle, and hash browns virtually disappear from their American Slams at Denny’s.
“I even had American Chopper erased from my PVR,” an angry Pedro Badilla revealed as he cried sitting through Canadian Idol. “Taking away the American dream was enough.”
Not able to focus on something for more than a few seconds, President Trump also hinted towards future proclamations. These are rumored to include shipping Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep to a newly-minted resort in Guantanamo Bay, creating a fake news registry that includes every reputable reporter on earth, and launching his own feline rescue site called “grab ‘em by the pussy.”
Source: Elpeji
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VATICAN ENQUIRER – Little Rock, Arkansas | A 16-year old girl has presented a paternity action lawsuit this morning, before an Arkansas state court, alleging that the former president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton, is her biological father.
Alyssa Gilmore claims that her mother, a former secretary of the oval office named Whitney Gilmore, had an affair with President Clinton between 1998 and 2001. She says she was born out of that relationship, and demands that Mr. Clinton undergoes a paternity test to prove that her story is true.
“I know Bill Clinton is my father” says the young girl. “I have many pictures of my mother and him and I know they were in love. He even gave me présents for Christmas and my birthdays when I was a kid, before he left my mother. I have spent many years writing him letters and calling him, hoping he would come back in my life. At first, he would write back and we spoke on the phone regularly, but he doesn’t even answer anymore. I just want him to take his responsibilities and recognize that he is my father, that’s all.”
Judge Henri Watkins of the Arkansas state court, rapidly decided that Ms. Gilmore had enough evidence to support her demand and announced that the presentation of the evidence will begin on March 19. Bill Clinton wasn’t present in the courthouse this morning, in Little Rock, but he met the media less than an hour after the judge’s decision, in Washington.
Mr. Clinton denied having an affair with Ms. Gilmore or being the father of the teenage girl. He adds that the timing of the accusations suggests that they are intended to ruin his wife’s chances in the run for the presidential elections in November.
“Whitney was indeed my secretary, and she has been a friend of both my wife and I for many years” says the former president. “I have worked with her for a few years, and I have met her daughter a few times. But we never had any sexual relationship and I am not the father of Alyssa Gilmore. This whole thing is just a diversion created by the Republican party to ruin Hillary’s chances in the run for presidency. I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”
This is not the first time that Bill Clinton is involved in an adultery-related scandal. The most famous case is of course, when he admitted to having had what he called an “inappropriate relationship” with Monica Lewinsky while she worked at the White House in 1995 and 1996.
There were also many other women who claimed over the years that they had affairs with Mr. Clinton or that they were victims of sexual misbehavior on his part. These include Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Juanita Broaddick, Kathleen Willey, Elizabeth Ward Gracen and Dolly Kyle Browning.
Many political experts believe that no matter how this court case ends, this new story of adultery has reminded the population of the Clinton couple’s particular relationship and story. They think it could therefore certainly have a very negative impact on Hillary’s chances of being the presidential candidate of the Democratic party for the next presidential election.
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