PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report) – Donald Trump was reportedly “hopping mad” on Saturday after a surprise ICE raid left his Mar-a-Lago retreat with no employees.
The ICE agents conducting the pre-dawn raid swept through the opulent Palm Beach club and left guests with no one to prepare their food, wash their dishes, or clean their rooms.
When informed of the news, a furious Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and his sons Eric and Donald, Jr., ordering them to hurry to Palm Beach and wait on tables.
A spokesman for Mar-a-Lago called the situation “dire,” warning that the resort had lost almost as many staff members as the White House.
This from a man “anonymous” who has access to a Wikipedia Time Machine (WTM) that enables him to see articles published on Trumpmedia (in 2025) as late as 2054.
According to Anonymous, Trump will be named Supreme Leader in a counter-coup in early 2021, shortly after the sham election of Elizabeth Warren who was later revealed to be part of a communist-Muslim plot with Bernie Sanders, Keith Ellison, and former president and traitor Barack Obama.
America’s NRA patriots in collaboration with evangelicals, later known as the Trump Militia, saved the day by organizing uprisings in cities across the country in the weeks following the November 2020 elections culminating in the Bowling Green Executions (originally proclaimed the Bowling Green Massacre by the fake liberal news media).
Attempts by subversive state leaders to quell the uprisings were thwarted when Trump ordered the National Guard to stand down and summarily pardoned the militias and applauded their actions. The communist-Muslim conspiracy then quickly and cowardly folded as its congressional, state, and big business supporters resigned from office or surrendered themselves to the militias.
After becoming Supreme Leader, Donald Trump’s great accomplishments included:
- Quelling the California Secession resulting in executions for treason of the Governor, his cabinet, the entire legislature, liberal Hollywood elites, and Tom Steyer who hid in Elon Musk’s basement for 236 days. Musk turned him in along with other co-conspirators and swore allegiance to Trump along with 544 other former subversives in what was titled the Day of Repentance hosted by Chief Justice Brett Kavanaugh, Franklin Graham, and Ralph Reed, and produced by Steve Bannon.
- Shortly after this momentous event, a plebiscite was convened on January 30, 2022, making Trump Supreme Leader for Life, reforming the Constitution, renaming the country The United States of Trump (UST), making orange the national color, and changing the flag to this:
- Signing of the Molotov-Kushner pact with Russia on August 23, 2021, ushering in an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity under the protective nuclear shields of two great superpowers. Joint military and economic measures also enabled Trump to definitively win the Great Trade War against China and Europe leading to their complete marginalization until China eventually renounced its Communism in 2029 and rebranded itself as “compassionate fascism” under the re-enlightened leadership of Xi Jinping.
- Termination of all fake news outlets and reformation of unfair libel laws. FoxNews is put in charge of all governmental press releases.
- Deportation of all illegal immigrants and citizens whose forebears were discovered to have illegally immigrated to the former United States. This will include millions whose forefathers were found to have been illegally imported as slaves.
And much, much more!!!
Apparently, Donald Trump will also play an important role in every aspect of Trumpian (formerly American) culture in profound ways.
The White House will be renamed “Trump Mansion” and its plain white columns and drab interior molding will be gilded in gold leaf. Likewise for the Capital Building, which will also be rebranded as a hotel for visiting dignitaries by Ivanka Trump in 2023.
Sadly, Donald Trump dies on April 30, 2025, in the Oval Office after choking while trying to eat a fried chicken breast and a cheeseburger simultaneously.
The cabinet officials present are later executed by the new Supreme Leader, Melania Trump, when it is discovered they refused to administer the Heimlich Maneuver.
She then goes on to be a great leader in her own right.
With files from Quora.com, editing by VE.
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(WASHINGTON) After gathering supplies such as a magnifying glass, a spool of twine, and a number of depositions drawn in crayon, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly set up the “Don And Eric Law Place” in a White House electrical room Monday to help their father with his ongoing legal woes.
“Objection! Objection,” said Eric Trump who fashioned a makeshift judge’s robe from a Dracula cape and repeatedly shouted “attorney–client privilege” while striking the top of their hastily assembled card table with an old claw hammer he’d found in a supply closet.
“We got a bunch of evidence and super witnesses, so you better let our dad go before we find you in tempt [sic] of the court! Your honor, I plead the Fifth, Sixth, 11th, and 700th! Case closed!”
At press time, Donald Jr. was sobbing after his brother accidentally smacked him in the face with a briefcase full of pens and candy.
Source: The Onion
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