Latin-Americans have well-known fury from being excluded from the “American” membership. Each time a US citizen identifies as American, the resulting argument is more intense than deciding which abuela makes the best tamales.

“We’re Americans, too!” Rocio Rodriguez proclaimed as she flaunted her Ropa Americana coupons. “Everyone from Canada to Tierra del Fuego is considered so.”

Trump described it as “unbelievable” and announced a directive to put a stop to the exploitation.

“This misassociation has gone on for far too long,” the president said as he granted Milo Yiannopoulos citizenship and gave him Washington D.C.’s key to the city. “If people want to be part of us, they have to pay for it.”

When questioned on how he plans to track the word’s use over such a vast continent, the president ignored the question completely and asked everyone to check out his new shoes. When pressed further, he said the economic gains would be “yuuuuge” for the already affluent.

In response to the order, “Todos somos Americanos” signs have popped up in lackadaisical protests across the continent. “Those pinche gringos aren’t the only Americans around,” severely overweight Gavin Hernandez shouted while finishing off a 10-piece KFC bucket in San Jose. “We’re all the same!” chants also emerged in Buenos Aires from marchers with maps simultaneously showing “America” as one continent and Africa as a single nation.

Domestically, trickle-down effects of the order have also started to resonate. When Houston native Monserrat Lopez was charged double at a local Starbucks, she was left perplexed. “I wasn’t even thrown off that they had written ‘Monster Truck’ on my coffee cup,” she lamented. “But when the barista told me it was because I ordered an ‘Americano,’ me volvió loca.”

Lopez is far from the only victim. Over the past few weeks, Latin-Americans have seen interest rates on their American Express cards increase drastically, discounts on skinny jeans decline at American Eagle, and hash browns virtually disappear from their American Slams at Denny’s.

“I even had American Chopper erased from my PVR,” an angry Pedro Badilla revealed as he cried sitting through Canadian Idol. “Taking away the American dream was enough.”

Not able to focus on something for more than a few seconds, President Trump also hinted towards future proclamations. These are rumored to include shipping Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep to a newly-minted resort in Guantanamo Bay, creating a fake news registry that includes every reputable reporter on earth, and launching his own feline rescue site called “grab ‘em by the pussy.”

Source: Elpeji

Russian President Vladimir Putin has named the date he plans to release proof that the US government engineered the recent spate of hurricanes that devastated large parts of the U.S. Like a boxer confident in his own strength, Putin has been observing footage taken from the Russian Elektro-L No.1 weather satellite – and has been biding his time, waiting for the right moment to go public with his findings.

According to Kremlin insiders, this Christmas Putin will release the satellite footage that conclusively proves Hurricane Irma and Harvey, as well as other extreme weather observed around the United States recently, was engineered by people within the U.S. intelligence agencies.

“The destruction caused by those storms was orchestrated by the Deep State who, like on 9/11, wanted to inflict suffering and pain on the American people.”

The US government’s true nature will be exposed on the world’s staged, undermining the credibility of the nation.

Putin is the only world leader willing to take on the dark forces of the New World Order and attempt to defeat them.

U.S. President Donald J. Trump’s promise of building a border wall along the United States – Mexico border has been a boon to some American industries.

Huge orders for steel rails are pouring in and the once nearly defunct rail car industry is now booming, orders coming in for a compact version of passenger and cargo rail cars. Orders for powerful smaller, quieter train engines are also on the increase.

Border ‘WallDrill” machines that once was the exclusive of the coal industry are coming back to life, several manufactures, close to the brink of bankruptcy, are no reporting having a hard time keeping up with the demand for both small and large machines.

Any business or industry involved in excavation has seen a boom in business since the U.S. President started talking about the wall, contracts and orders more than doubling from the first day after the election last November. The trickling down effect includes small and large manufacturers of digging equipment, from heavy machinery to the basic pick and shovel.

The “American Great Wall” is good business. Companies are recording huge profits selling equipment. But there is a twist, the sales, according to the latest report on the trends, is mainly to traffickers of people and the drug cartels.

“The excavation has already begun,” said a resident who lives pretty near the border. A Vatican Enquirer correspondent was able to confirm the drilling of elaborate tunnels has begun under the proposed Wall.

Aside from the criminal element, a Mexican design firm has decided to be proactive in rolling out their version that includes areas for commerce (malls), immigration whey points, even a detention centre, schools, light train rail service and casinos.

The plan is aimed at developing a controlled corridor, ending the suffering abuse and extortion from the coyotes who for a fee smuggle people by land across the border. Instead of suffering abuse, anyone wishing to enter the U.S. can just buy a ticket for a clean, safe, air-conditioned ride, stop to shop, check-in to a detention centre and even live the “American Dream” within setting foot on U.S. soil.

Adapted from the original story on Humortimes.com