VATICAN ENQUIRER (Elpeji.com) SAN JOSE — Costa Ricans everywhere will hold a moment of silence today to honor the exit of popular Unitedstatesian restaurant Wendy’s after the hamburger franchise up and abandoned the Central American country, leaving behind a trail of tears and unrealized Bahhhconator orders.
Almost overnight, all 10 Wendy’s locations, known locally as “Guendy’s,” shuttered doors and tore down images of the the restaurant’s iconic red-headed, freckled heroine. The restaurant’s sudden departure, which caused civil unrest and what came to be known as the “Frosty riots” throughout San Jose, will be honored with three days of luto, or mournful remembrance, President Luis Guillermo Solis, an avid Homestyle Chicken Filet fan, announced last night.
“Having to break this news to my daughter is something, as a parent, I’d never ever want to do again,” Solis said as he nibbled on one of the country’s last spicy chicken nuggets still in existence. “When I told her she’d never eat another Asiago Ranch Chicken Club or Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe again, I witnessed the breaking of her heart.”
Of the more than 100 people left without work, David Tomás, the former manager of the restaurant’s two monstrous San José locations, each almost as big as a city block, was perhaps the most distraught. He has woken up every night since the closure, screaming “Guuuendyyy” in his sleep, his wife said.
“I’ve lost all purpose in life,” Tomás told El Peji between bites of chili. “If I meet anyone who works at Carlo’s Yunyor, I’m going to make them into a Bacon Portabella Melt on Brioche.”
Tomás was referring to the restaurant Carl’s Jr., known locally at Carlo’s Yunyor, which chewed into Guendy’s clientele and profit margins since coming to Costa Rica in 2011. Carlo’s Yunyor, famed for guaranteeing you will feel like shit after you eat there, has become a giant hit with Ticos, Tomás said.
“I don’t know why anyone would want a Mile High Bahcon Cheeseburger from there. We use the metric system here anyway, mae,” Tomás said. “Plus, anything called a Jalapeno Thickburger is destined to result in violent caca, mae.”
Another factor rumored to have contributed to Wendy’s flop was a ball count in play palaces that was under the legal limit. Tomás declined comment.