VATICAN ENQUIRER – Since 2002, Al-Qaeda has struggled to kill more decadent westerners than vending machines. Some rare years they win but usually they fail. The Lapine’s intrepid reporters managed to sit down with a leading Al-Qaeda member whose name has been removed to hopefully increase this article’s ominous tone.
According to the prominent terrorist leader, one of the most disheartening things about being an implacable enemy of the West, is seeing common items like vending machines manage to outdo you in ‘implacableness’.
“I mean…for years now we have done all we could Allah willing. I remember back in 2008, we were so close to launching a terror attack in Britain, something with real potential, maybe a dozen infidels dead praise Allah. We were so close…but then Ali tells me that bathtubs unaided, have taken twenty-three infidel british lives in the same year. And this was not even a big deal for the bathtubs, it was normal! Sometimes its hard to keep trying after hearing news like that.”
“Thanks to god for the American news though, CNN and Fox especially. They are always talking about us, helping us get the publicity we deserve in the face of our inanimate but relentless rivals that we really can’t compete with. You know, without the western media, I think all of our attacks on the West would be completely pointless.”
Our unnamed Al-Qaeda contact when on to explain that he hoped the new generation of terrorists would be able to combine the relentlessness of bathtubs and vending machines with their slavish media support to create a truly unstoppable engine of made-up statistically insignificant terror.
“I heard that lighting kills 30 American infidels a year, right on their own soil. That is far more than we have managed, despite all of our efforts, in the last ten.”
Al-Qaeda is rumored to have begun hoarding cash to invest in vending machine and bathtub companies, thinking that perhaps this will be more effective at taking infidel Westerner lives than what they are currently doing.