(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Walmart in it’s continuing quest to put EVERYBODY out of business rolled back the Dow 365 points by going on a wild “Michael Jackson-in a-toy store” drunken sailor on shore leave type insane spending spree yesterday buying up everything in sight and then some.
“We wanted to buy Guam too” one Walmart executive said.
Unfortunately Guam wasn’t for sale at the time according to Guam’s president Manuel Cruz. Wall Street reacted to Walmart’s purchases by doing “strange stuff” with the Dow.
Sony Corporation, headquartered in Japan issued the following statement after being sold to Walmart ..
“They (American company) made us (Sony) wild offer Sony could refuse not”.
Walmart will begin bulldozing existing Target, Sears and Best Buy stores later this year. Sony, not being a physical brick and mortar building will simply be renamed “WalSonyMart” and will here and there-after hence be referred to as thus on not just the Dow but the face of the globe as well.
Walmart, now owners of Sony Pictures as well says that they will make a few “last minute adjustments” to Sony Picture’s upcoming “The Da Vinci Code” movie.
“Just some minor cosmetic changes” Walmart assured reporters.
Walmart’s CEO went on to say,
“It’s an incredible movie from the footage we’ve seen. We’re simply going to add a few extras to a few scenes. Like when Jesus marries Mary Magdalene, the reception of course will be held at Walmart. The 34 AD version of Walmart that existed at the time outside Bethleham. Where Jesus first learned the intrinsic supernatural value of rolling back prices.”
Best Buy assures it’s former customers that 2 mile long customer return-item lines all the way out the door down to the Foot Locker will continue to exist as well as outrageous 15% restocking fees for returned items.
“It’s a good merger” Best Buy’s CEO said referring to the Walmart buyout. Sear’s CEO was unavailable for comment. Target, according to inside sources is “pleased” with the deal while Walmart denies rumors that it has targeted Microsoft, Time Warner and American Idol as it’s next global acquisitions.