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VATICAN ENQUIRER (The Onion) WASHINGTON – Convening an emergency session following the recent passing of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy colleagues and I recognize just how important the Eagles\u2019 laid-back \u201970s sound is to all Americans, which is why we moved quickly and with bipartisan cooperation to put together comprehensive legislation that will ensure Don Henley, Joe Walsh, and Timothy B. Schmit are around to rock us, our children, and our children\u2019s children for years to come,\u201d said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) at a press conference following the passage of the bill, officially titled Preserving The Eagles For The Benefit And Enhancement Of Future Generations Act Of 2016, and more commonly known as The Long Run Bill.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe as a nation simply cannot afford to let the authors of such timeless hits as \u2018Take It Easy,\u2019 \u2018Desperado,\u2019 \u2018One Of These Nights,\u2019 and dozens of other infectious AOR staples disappear.<\/p>\n

That is why this legislation sets aside dozens of acres of safe, protected land on which the Eagles can live and record in peace, while also establishing a dedicated team of federal officials to closely monitor the band members for any changes in health and immediately provide them with care as needed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Beltway sources confirmed that a proposed rider to The Long Run Bill introduced by Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA), which would have added $7 million in similar protections for Kenny Loggins, was voted down by a chorus of nays.<\/p>\n

Read more at theonion.com<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

VATICAN ENQUIRER (The Onion) WASHINGTON – Convening an emergency session following the recent passing of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed. \u201cMy colleagues and I recognize just how important the Eagles\u2019 laid-back \u201970s sound […] More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":1817,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[129],"tags":[],"adace-sponsor":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/eagles.jpg","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"wps_subtitle":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1816"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1816"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1816\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1818,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1816\/revisions\/1818"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1817"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1816"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1816"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1816"},{"taxonomy":"adace-sponsor","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/adace-sponsor?post=1816"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}