WAUKEE, IA\u2014Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents\u2019 house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.<\/p>\n

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On Sunday, while attempting to retrieve a soccer ball he had kicked over a backyard fence, Fletcher reportedly tumbled into the ancient, long-forgotten gateway to hell, dropping nearly 25 feet into the blazing inferno below. Local authorities stressed the need to rescue the child as quickly as possible, noting that he has been exposed to toxic levels of sulfur and that the longer he spends outside God\u2019s sacred light, the greater his risks of permanent damnation.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur number-one priority is to get Joey safely out of hell before his soul becomes imprisoned there for all eternity,\u201d said Waukee fire chief Hank Andrade, adding that a pile of human bones upon which the boy had been standing since his initial descent recently gave way and caused him to slide another 12 feet down to hell\u2019s Third Circle, where the black bile of the damned could be up to his waist by now. \u201cI hope he\u2019s still hanging on. We shouted into the hole he fell through to let him know help is on its way, but the only thing we\u2019ve heard back are some garbled screams and a faint, trembling voice speaking backwards in Latin.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cParamedics lowered down a bucket of food and holy water for Joey yesterday, but it unfortunately caused a torrent of blood, entrails, and excrement to erupt from the hole for several hours,\u201d Andrade continued. \u201cThat slowed our progress quite a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Earlier this week, after drilling a shaft parallel to the one that swallowed Fletcher, rescue workers said they hoped to find a more stable entrance to hell through which they might extract the boy. According to reports, however, they overshot their mark and soon found themselves riding upon the wing\u00e8d beast Geryon and crossing the Great Abyss to the Eighth Circle, which is occupied by the condemned souls of seducers, thieves, unscrupulous businessmen, hypocrites, simoniacs, and alchemists. Officials confirmed this attempt was called off after a rescuer was ripped limb from limb by demons and cast into a river of boiling tar.<\/p>\n

Local pastors, who reportedly raced to the scene upon learning Fletcher had fallen through the gateway, have been observed locking arms, chanting the Lord\u2019s Prayer, and making a pentagram of salt around the smoking crater in an effort to contain the droves of disembodied arms that have begun crawling, like spiders, from the opening.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve had some setbacks, including today, when an EMT who climbed down the hole to treat Joey was flayed alive for the sin of gluttony,\u201d said Andrade, explaining that the paramedic\u2019s flesh and spirit were torn asunder by Cerberus, the three-headed hound that guards the Third Circle and now stands between rescuers and the boy. \u201cIt is our understanding he has been impaled through the anus on a stalagmite and will remain there until the end of time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Andrade added, \u201cWe also lost rescue worker Fran Cusimano, who, despite her devout Catholicism, is now trapped in purgatory because her face was clawed off by a Harpy before her priest could administer last rites.\u201d<\/p>\n

Community members at last night\u2019s vigil for Fletcher continued to pray for his safe return, despite the fact that the Prince of Darkness taunted them with shrieking laughter each time they invoked Christ\u2019s name. Attendees told reporters a GoFundMe account has been established in the boy\u2019s name to help cover the cost of his medical care and any necessary exorcisms once the rescue is complete.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoey, if you can hear me, I want you to know that we love you and we want you to reject Satan in all his forms and get out of that hole,\u201d said Annie Hoffman, a neighbor of the Fletcher family who voiced concern upon hearing rumors the boy may not have been baptized. \u201cWhy wasn\u2019t that gateway to hell covered? That\u2019s what I\u2019d like to know. I don\u2019t understand why the city never came around and at least nailed a piece of plywood over it. It\u2019s just not safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

At press time, rescuers announced that after working 56 hours, they had finally succeeded in saving Fletcher from Lucifer\u2019s clutches. However, joy reportedly gave way to concern when the boy\u2019s mother expressed her certainty that whatever they had just pulled up from the ground\u2014though it looked like Joey and talked like Joey\u2014was no longer her son.<\/p>\n

Source: The Onion<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WAUKEE, IA\u2014Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents\u2019 house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell. On Sunday, while attempting to retrieve a soccer […] More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":2673,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[274,1],"tags":[],"adace-sponsor":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/boy-saved-from-hell.jpg","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"wps_subtitle":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2672"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2672"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2672\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2674,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2672\/revisions\/2674"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2673"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2672"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2672"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2672"},{"taxonomy":"adace-sponsor","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/vaticanenquirer.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/adace-sponsor?post=2672"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}