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  • Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints

    VATICAN CITY—Bringing the tragic story of his righteous sacrifice to life, recently canonized martyr Salomone Leclercq on Friday was added to the Vatican Museum’s Animatronic Hall of Saints. “This newest addition allows visitors to experience the courage of the godly man who was murdered for refusing to swear an oath to the secular government following […] More

  • Former President Obama To Make Come Back With An Eye On The Oval Office

    Former President Barack Obama is expected to re-emerge on the national political scene this fall, looking to become the leader of the House when Democrats take it back from the Republicans in 2018, paving the way for his return to the Oval Office. “President Obama will be back in the Oval Office when President Donald […] More

  • Scaramucci lands server job at Dick’s Last Resort

    BOSTON—Recently shit canned White House Communications Director Anthony Goddamned Scaramucci is set to return to the national fuckin’ spotlight as Dick’s Last Resort has announced that Scaramucci has accepted a part-time server position. According to Dick’s Last Resort’s management, the Mooch’s boisterous prick nature is a perfect fit for a chain that specializes in rude […] More

  • Pope remains champion at annual pancake eating contest

    (AMP) VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year in a row at the annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating contest and papal mass. “The Holy Spirit was with me,” said a gorged Pope Francis addressing the crowd of thousands who […] More

  • Nostradamus Predicted “Brangelina” Break Up

    (VATICAN ENQUIRER) Just hours after the announcement of  the Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) break up, many Nostradamus experts say the famous soothsayer had predicted the event in one of his quatrains. Famous for foretelling many historical events such as the death of King Henry II of France, the advent Napoleon or the two […] More

  • Canada BANS Donald Trump

    ONTARIO, Canadian province of  – In a meeting held by the Liberal party earlier this week, party leader and Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau called for the prohibition of Donald Trump from entering Canada effective immediately. Trudeau added that the ban may be lifted is Trump publicly apologize for his racist comments against Muslims […] More

  • Canada Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Converting from Christianity to Islam

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    THE VATICAN ENQUIRER – Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau, also dubbed as “Canada’s Obama”, announced he is converting from Christianity to Islam. In a 13 minute press conference Friday, Trudeau explained his decision in his life: “After meeting thousands of new Syrian refugees, listening to their stories and learning more about the Muslim faith, I […] More

  • Programmer Gets Fired, Forgets How To Code

    Computer programmer FiletOfFish1066 (FOF), working for a well-known tech San Francisco tech company  and for five full years did nothing except play League of Legends, surf the net, work out in a gym, and basically do whatever he felt like doing, got fired from $95,000 a year job. FOF says he fully automated his on […] More

  • Demoralized Jeb Bush Succumbs To New Hampshire Heroin Epidemic

    MANCHESTER, NH—Plunging into a downward spiral of despair and self-doubt after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses, a demoralized Jeb Bush reportedly succumbed this week to New Hampshire’s ongoing heroin epidemic. “Unfortunately, Jeb has suffered a number of significant career setbacks and personal humiliations recently, which left him depressed and highly susceptible to the […] More

  • Tips For Studying Overseas (Abroad)

    Here are The Onion’s tips for how to make the most of your college semester abroad: Do some advance research to figure out which program is right for you. Europe is generally life-changing, whereas South America tends to be more eye-opening. Before choosing, carefully consider those countries your friends say are most fun versus those […] More

  • Female Softball Player Comes Out as Straight

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    A college softball player from the University of Texas shocked the sports world today by coming out as a heterosexual. In an emotional press conference this morning, Jennifer Ryan, 23, announced that she was a “proud member” of the opposite-sex community. The senior shortstop is believed to be the first and only openly straight women’s […] More

  • Study: Climate Change May Melt Cher By 2020

    VATICAN ENQUIRER –  new study released today shows that global climate change may melt American pop icon Cher within five years. According to the analysis, published in the prestigious journal Nature, higher temperatures near Cher’s home in Southern California will likely melt materials used in her numerous plastic surgeries, turning her into what scientists describe […] More

  • Aging Broncos Quarteback Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog

    VATICAN ENQUIRER –  Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog. “Given Peyton’s age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the […] More

  • Billy Joel Charged With Arson

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – Singer-songwriter William Martin “Billy” Joel has been charged by U.S. authorities with multiple counts of arson from the 1980s. Lead detective for the U.S. Attorney’s office, Steven Ettinger, said that Joel was the initial suspect, but had effectively derailed the investigation through the cunning use of song. “Even if the chorus wasn’t […] More

  • Madonna World Tour 2037 Tickets Go On Sale

    “The Pope is secretly in love with me.” Tickets are now on sale for the Madonna World Tour 2037. The ageing pop star says she is getting ready for what will be the “best, bestest, ever” show of her career, but not necessarily the last. Rumours have it that there a “centennial” tour planned for […] More

  • Pope Francis Thumbs Up On Capitalism!

    WASHINGTON, D.C. —Admitting the startling discovery had compelled His Holiness Pope Francis to reexamine his long-held beliefs,  announcing Wednesday that he will no longer be critical towards capitalism after seeing the immense variety of Oreos available in the United States. And it’s not just Oreos, the many different variety of chocolate chip cookies. “Don’t get […] More

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