Pope remains champion at annual pancake eating contest

(AMP) VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year...

Nostradamus Predicted “Brangelina” Break Up

(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Just hours after the announcement of  the Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) break up, many Nostradamus experts say the famous soothsayer...

Yoko Ono: “I Had an Affair with Hillary Clinton in the ’70s”

(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Los Angeles | Yoko Ono shocked reporters yesterday when she responded to a question concerning the presidential run of Hillary Clinton and...

Canada BANS Donald Trump

ONTARIO, Canadian province of  – In a meeting held by the Liberal party earlier this week, party leader and Prime Minister of Canada, Justin...

Canada Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Converting from Christianity to Islam

THE VATICAN ENQUIRER - Canada's prime minister, Justin Trudeau, also dubbed as "Canada's Obama", announced he is converting from Christianity to Islam. In a 13...

Programmer Gets Fired, Forgets How To Code

Computer programmer FiletOfFish1066 (FOF), working for a well-known tech San Francisco tech company  and for five full years did nothing except play League of...

Mick Jagger Being Held At Mexico’s Museum of Anthropology For Trying To Escape

VATICAN ENQUIRER - It was on Monday when Mick Jagger, leader singer of the Rolling Stones, visited the Museum of Anthropology and History, it...

Demoralized Jeb Bush Succumbs To New Hampshire Heroin Epidemic

MANCHESTER, NH—Plunging into a downward spiral of despair and self-doubt after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses, a demoralized Jeb Bush reportedly succumbed...

Tips For Studying Overseas (Abroad)

Here are The Onion’s tips for how to make the most of your college semester abroad: Do some advance research to figure out which program...

Female Softball Player Comes Out as Straight

A college softball player from the University of Texas shocked the sports world today by coming out as a heterosexual. In an emotional press conference...

Study: Climate Change May Melt Cher By 2020

VATICAN ENQUIRER -  new study released today shows that global climate change may melt American pop icon Cher within five years. According to the analysis,...

Aging Broncos Quarteback Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog

VATICAN ENQUIRER -  Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday...

Billy Joel Charged With Arson

VATICAN ENQUIRER - Singer-songwriter William Martin “Billy” Joel has been charged by U.S. authorities with multiple counts of arson from the 1980s. Lead detective for...

Madonna World Tour 2037 Tickets Go On Sale

"The Pope is secretly in love with me." Tickets are now on sale for the Madonna World Tour 2037. The ageing pop star says she...

Pope Francis Thumbs Up On Capitalism!

WASHINGTON, D.C. —Admitting the startling discovery had compelled His Holiness Pope Francis to reexamine his long-held beliefs,  announcing Wednesday that he will no longer...

New Dating Site Suggests People You Already Know But Thought You Were Too Good...

Saying love could be as close as a neighbor or colleague you’ve never once found yourself remotely interested in, new dating website OnSecondThought.com launched...

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