Latest stories

  • Former PM Chretien (83) Says He Loves Medical Marijuana With Breakfast…and Sometimes Dinner

    OTTAWA — Jean Chretien actually giggled when he showed his personal baggie of pot to reporters today as he called for the immediate end of arrests for possession of marijuana. “Hahaha. Yes, yes. For 50 years, I had céréales Cheerios every morning but you know dat gets boring,” said a grinning Chretien, Prime Minister of […] More

  • Aspartame Addicts Force Pepsi Into Bringing Back The Artificial Sweetener

    BOSTON, Massachusetts – Diet Pepsi’s divorce from artificial sweetener aspartame didn’t last long. Customers who swear they can taste the difference between the old and new diet Pepsi demanded they bring back aspartame, and fearing they will lost sales to Coke, PepsiCo has complied. PepsiCo said Monday that it would reintroduce a version of Diet […] More

  • Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker

    SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that entries would be accepted from the public until the April 4 due date, officials from the Sacramento Zoo launched a contest this week to name the baby of the zoo’s pregnant gift shop cashier, Ashley Munson. “Everyone here at the Sacramento Zoo is excited for Ashley’s first child to arrive, and we […] More

  • Scientific Study Reveals That Homosexuality Is Extremely Contagious

    Independent researcher CSOA, conducted a study of homosexuality and posted their surprising results over the weekend. According to their research, homosexuality is the single most contagious condition that exists on Earth. The surprising findings by the CSOA showed that 100% of the homosexual adults who participated in the study, had some level of intimate contact with […] More

  • Obama Orders “No More Fat For Americans”

      VATICAN ENQUIRER – The Obama administration is cracking down on the food industry, forcing it to eliminate fat in foods over the next few months. According to the public health notice issued by the U.S. Department of Health  and Human Services  (HHS), whose job is to protect the health of all Americans and provides […] More

  • New Healthier Menu Features Food Wendy’s Customers Bring From Home

      DUBLIN, OH —Responding to consumer demands for healthier offerings, Wendy’s announced this week the addition of its new Fit ‘N’ Fast menu, which features food that customers bring in from home to eat at the restaurant. “People still love Wendy’s classic old-fashioned hamburgers and Frosty desserts, but they also want to have fresh, low-calorie […] More

  • “Seek Medical Attention” Erection Warning Upped to 10 Hours

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – WASHINGTON, The U.S. Surgeon General and Health Canada today issued a joint announcement that men taking medications for erectile dysfunction no longer need to rush to the nearest hospital Emergency until they’ve had an erection for at least 10 hours. “The previous 3 to 4 hour time limit was medically unnecessary and […] More

  • Self Infected E. Coli The New Hollywood Diet Craze

    VATICAN ENQUIRER – Spinach contaminated with E. coli has spawned a questionable health cleansing trend in Los Angeles. A spinach supplier to many L.A. juiceries has just announced a recall of any juices containing the leafing green, after dozens were hospitalized with serious E. coli infections. However, the rapid weight loss experienced by those affected […] More

  • Controversial Study Recommends Rapists be “De-Testicled”

    NEW JERSEY (The Lapine) — A four-year study released today by Mayo Clinic psychology researchers finds that showing cleavage or crazy-dancing after vodka shooters are not and never have been the cause of sexual assaults on women. But those findings are not what is causing controversy around the study. It’s the study’s conclusion that castrating […] More

  • Study Finds Pregnant Women Are Not Idiots After All

    Pregnant woman may actually be able to process complex information and make educated decisions, study reveals. TORONTO, Canada – A groundbreaking new study by Canadians suggests that the brains of pregnant woman remain functional throughout the gestational period. “We were very surprised to discover that their brains were actually very similar to the brains of […] More