VATICAN ENQUIRER – Following a decade-long study of economic trends and employment rates, a report issued Friday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics determined that excitedly circling a newspaper listing with a red marker remains the single most effective way to find a job.
“Our research confirms that laying out the morning paper on the kitchen table, slowly panning down a column in the classifieds section, and then enthusiastically drawing a bold red circle around a posting in the center of the page is still the best way to secure employment,” said the report’s lead author, Rebecca Carney, adding that unemployed individuals were further able to increase their likelihood of obtaining work by tapping the listing with their finger while quietly saying
“That’s the one.”
“We also found that using the same pen to double-underline the job’s salary range raises one’s chances of being hired by an additional 50 percent.”
Carney went on to add that individuals were able to effectively guarantee a job offer by calling the business immediately on their landline phone, grabbing their hat and jacket off a coat rack, and quickly heading straight down to the company’s offices with the newspaper tucked under their arm