VATICAN ENQUIRER (The Onion) WASHINGTON — Saying that they had finally attained a life of slightly less uncertainty, 5 million of the nation’s illegal immigrants confirmed that the executive order announced by President Obama Thursday night would allow them to at last realize their dreams of having their deportation deferred for an indeterminate period of time.
“When I came to this country 11 years ago, it was in the hope that one day, if I worked hard enough, I could be granted a temporary, tenuous reprieve from the threat of being forcefully removed,” said undocumented immigrant Luiz Adelo, adding that, like millions of his fellow illegal immigrants, he was overjoyed to learn that he will not be detained by Immigration Services in the very immediate future.
“After escaping the drug cartel violence of my village and fleeing to America, it was the thought of a life suspended in complete limbo that kept me going as I traveled through the grueling desert terrain for three days.
To be tacitly allowed to live and work in this country that I love, all the while knowing that this protection could disappear in two years, or even two months—it’s made it all worth it.”
Sources confirmed that the 6 million immigrants not covered by the plan had scaled back their dreams to simply being political pawns in a future partisan showdown.